For want of a better title, New Year’s Eve Reflection

All right. So it’s New Year’s Eve, and for tradition alone, I feel inclined to reminisce for a moment.

Best parts of the year, in no particular order (except those which come to mind first):

-Zelda and the Wii.
-Swords. Getting, training, sparring, playing…
-Seeing Shibi not once, not twice, but.. Oh wait, twice. Heh! I’m amazed that I can be friends with someone I talk to once a fortnight on average.
-Jooadw mo kne rijk vhoudj bajj.
-Kairos. Yes, Kairos. Don’t ask me what happened, don’t ask me why I like it, but it’s something you will love, no matter who you are or what your views may be. That includes you, Jack.
-Being told certain things by certain people. You know that warm fuzzy feeling?
-METAL GEAR SOLID. I can’t believe that was Big Boss!!
-Jumping off balconies, climbing buildings, running up walls and going nuts with Jack.

Yeah, I should leave it at that. I edited the list already to cut out a few things, but there’s been a lot of highs. Lows? Well…

-Failing Intro Calc a few times.
-Failing Chemistry, period.
-Being unexplainably depressed for an indefinite amount of time. I suppose that was fostered by the aforementioned failures but ultimately lead to me not being very personable.
-Slawomirski’s Christmas concert.
-Mass. For three hours. Most every week, including today.
-Georgie rejecting a hug from me!!
-Eugene considering me playing Zelda more important than me as a person, let alone a brother.
-Realising my parents don’t know me, which sort of killed a lot of potential joy.
-Dealing with three break-ups.
-Getting my ass handed to me by a number of people.
-Scary movies and super paranoia about being attacked. I went to bed with my katana close at hand more than once.
-Bounty’s Revenge. It came to mind when I was trying to think of things I was pressured into.
-Trying my hardest in school, as in working insanely hard at certain times, only to fail in the end. One superb test simply cancels out a fail. And I spent a lot of time failing. Yeah I think that’s starting to get to me…
-Poor Lauren. Whether it’s my fault or not, it doesn’t mean I can’t feel bad for her.

You know what, this "What has depressed you most this year?" stuff is kiiiinda depressing. So let’s move on to New Year’s Revolutions.

Well, I hate the idea of NYR because they go for the whole year. I don’t know, recently I’ve fallen into the philosophy that I will tell myself to do something, and come hell or high water, I will do it within x amount of time. And it works. At least, recently it has. Making x amount of time a whole year seems unbearable. I can give up spending money for a few weeks, that’s a challenge, but if I were to make a NYR "Don’t spend more than $15 a week on average", I’d crack after a few months. Mm… I don’t like the idea of making Resolutions knowing how common they’re broken, because let’s face it, just about everyone breaks they’re New Year’s Resolutions after the first few months.

Keeping all this in mind, here are my resolutions.

-Keep all promises. Even ones I’m forced into? Well, a promise is a promise… Mm.
-Compliment someone every day. I can do that =)
-Not to regret anything for more than a day. When I go to bed, I let it go, and I learn from it.
-To be like Adele in the sense she never puts anyone down. She is an angel, and I wonder how she can be so full of love!
-To be honest. With myself, and just as importantly, with others.
-To put at least $20 away every week for Sunshine, or some sort of organisation.
-To stop swearing! But this one is a Resolution I’m going to break within the next.. 3 hours. Just you wait.
-To do my best. This should be a given, but I need to be more dedicated to everything I do. To stop being lazy or irresponsible.

I guess that’s it. That’s all that comes to mind. Well, Happy New Year’s people. No big party for me, just an early night I’m afraid. It doesn’t make me sad until people tell me it’s sad to spend New Year’s alone. I have to wonder who’s right? I’ll be brutally honest for a moment here and admit that I would bloody love to have a party and to get drunk and be festive in an unscrupulous and dastardly way. That’s not about to happen though, and even without being drunk, unruly or uncouth, I’d still like pleasant company by which to spend a day everyone seems to celebrate for reasons I’m still uncertain of. Nevertheless, I’m used to a quiet NY, so it’s an early night for me, then an early morning too. It’s a little depressing, but really, what can I do?

Night peeps, and peace out. Don’t ever stop dancing.

The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived

It is rumoured that Bruce Lee never died, but simply disappeared from the eyes of the world to perfect his technique. He will return some day, to literally blow your mind with the concussion waves of his blinking.

The Animorphs

Time and time again, I’m sure I’ve rambled on about how much I love the Animorph series, by K.A. Applegate. Well this takes the cake.

I bought, for 20c each, a few Animorphs novels from the local library. I’ve just finished the Hork Bajir chronicles, and it made me so sad I almost cried. Almost cried! Not that that’s hard, but it’s a children’s book! It’s just…  Aldrea sacrifices everything, her life, her body, her people, for love. Just for love. With a Hork Bajir. There is no greater sacrifice. Anyway… I hit the internet and decided to look for pictures of Hork Bajir to more fully compile what they should look like, rather than my childish 7-year-old image of Chaos with jigsaws on his body. There I found a website- this website, as a matter of fact, and I learned that Adreal lives on in spirit, and has the chance to come back. Her descendant, Toby, was the.. great, now Joe’s put me off. But long story short, check out that website if you have the time (or care) for the most classic and fantastic books of my childhood. It is my plan to get all the full series if only for the novelty. I have about 20 in total, which leaves some 40 to go, give or take. Good books, those. You can always tell a good book by the way you think about it when you finish, and how it makes you feel the same no matter how many times you read it.

Must be off. Joe’s laughing at me.

Doot do dooo~ (8)

Happy Boxing Day people. Funnily enough, the only difference between Boxing Day and Christmas Day is no one says Merry Boxing Day. That’s life at my house anyway, but it doesn’t bother me somewhat. Aye, I may be just a little bit deprived of special celebrations, but some day when (presuming I shall) I have a family, come December 25, trees and stockings and presents for all.

Forgive me, I digress. Having just recently been in most foul a mood, I dedicated myself to trying a technique my mentor suggested; I make myself happy. I don’t brood, I don’t distract myself, and foremost I do not think I am in a bad mood. I just pull myself out of my misery- by the hair if I have to- and think of things that bring smiles to my face. People I love, moments I treasure, nothing evil or sinister, just pleasant reminiscing. Try it some time, when your day is going horribly wrong and just when you think it will never get worse, it starts to rain. Meanwhile, I think I have a poem to re-write.

***

"As far as I’m concerned, if men are stupid enough to be distracted by lumps of fat with nipples attached, then it’s my duty to take advantage of their weak willed minds." -illwillpress’s original character, ‘Germaine’.

In the same respect, if a cute look from a little girl can sway a man into hesitation, she should knock him out cold by duty’s call.

This entry changes topic at least 3 times.

I’m sorry! I must beg an apology from all any any who read my weblog. My language has been absolutely vulgar as of late, and it seems to have abolished the purpose of the swear jar. By the way, I’m just going to stop swearing and get rid of the swear box. Don’t talk to me about this, don’t inquire, ask or prod, but I spent all the money in the box on something very special for someone. The receiver of this gift shall get it in the future. That’s all I’m saying.

Other than that, the box is now going to be used for money that I don’t need for food or friends. I will not buy new swords, a computer, a phone, anything superfluous that I don’t need. All of my money is going to be donated, to Sunshine or someone like her. How can I live with wealth and still want more money to spend on myself when Sunshine and her friends have barely anything? And of course, dire poverty in the world kills hundreds of thousands every week. So yes. I’m going to get a job, I’m not sure where, I’m not sure doing what, and I will give that money to some organisation who can spend it properly. Hey, here’s an idea… Maybe I could save it all up and sponsor myself for the funrun? Heh heh. Yeah that sounds fair enough. But seriously, yeah I’m not going to buy anything I don’t particularly need. No new games (for now) on the Wii, no PS2, no new books (libraries still exist you know), nothing like that.

What’s interesting is that (changing topics once again), what’s a lot of money to me is nothing to someone with a job. I get $30 a week from my Mum (all of which I spent on dinner last night, but I sincerely believe that was the best $30 I’ve ever spent with the finest company I’ve ever shared). That’s a lot of money to me. To, say, Stephen, this is nothing. He got $120 for working an 11 hour shift in one day. To, say, my mother, that’s nothing. She’d probably get several hundred dollars for the same thing. And I’m like, "Okay, I’ll donate 100% of all my money to the poor. Here’s $30." Yeah, that sure makes an impact. Whereas if I had my Mum’s salary and donated say $300, I’d be giving the same amount, although the value would be different. It kinda sucks how what matters to me doesn’t really make a dent in terms of finance. So I’ll get a job, and I’ll work hard, and I’ll make a bigger dent.

To my friends, and anyone who cares, I ask that you save just a few dollars to give to the poor this Christmas. It’ll make as much a dent as I will.

EDIT: Also, although I haven’t really spoken to my brother for the past day or two
because I’ve been out and about, it’s given me enough time to cool off
and forgive him. If he does it again, it will break my heart and boil
my blood, but I will eventually come to forgive him. It’s better to have a good relationship than a bad one, and only I have the power to forgive him if he sins against me. This is love, and I love my brother. I just wish he’d be a little more thoughtful when loving me too. And yes, I’m sure he does.
That said, I wouldn’t mind an awful lot if he moved out, but I’d want to be on good terms with him when he did.

<3

I’m awake now, it’s okay. I only played Zelda for a little while- about until 1:30am, which is reasonable. I truly do wish Eugene would stop ruining one of the most special things in my life (it’s Zelda, come on), but it makes me feel as if I should have more things that are special to me.

Nevertheless, someone, who shall be called "Y", said something to me last night that worries me. What if love doesn’t solve  the world’s problems? What if love can’t stand against a sea of hatred?

Ah but Jesus loved, and he was crucified, and apparently he came out on top in the end. I guess as a Christian I have to have faith and never stop loving. But that means forgiving Eugene. Mm, yeah, he gave me a box of chocolates yesterday and he took us all to see the Nutcracker ballet, which sucked by the way. Nevertheless, he’s got his morals fairly straight, even if he tortures me at the same time. I can forgive him, but while he keeps intervening with the things I love, it’s going to be difficult to have a good relationship with him.

Love does exist, Y. And it’s not followed by hatred, either. They’re not a chain, they’re not a circle or a cycle, they are love and loathing. While both can exist, true love takes the cake. That I believe to be the redeeming feature of humankind- the capacity to love.

Bro

I f*cking hate my brother. Although replacing the letter u with an asterix hardly censors a word. Nevertheless.

He ruined the Wii for me by fricking tearing the box open and setting it up before I even got to read the manual. Same with Zelda. Stuck in the disk before I could read the first page of the game instructions. Why is he so impatient to dive into something that should be treasured?

Why did he make me promise three times to play Zelda before I sleep? Why is he rushing me through it and blackmailing me into playing? Why won’t he leave me fucking alone so I can enjoy the best fucking game in the universe? Why do I play in the mornings while he’s asleep? So he won’t say, "Hey John, to solve that puzzle you have to use those armadillo shells." Gee thanks Eugene. Way to ruin the temple for me. "Oh John, do you know who the Twilight Princess is?" "Who? Zelda?" "Oh, you don’t know!" FUCK! There’s a Twilight Princess who’s not Zelda. "And John! Look at my lovely fused shadows!" "No. I refuse to ruin anything for myself. You’re too far ahead in the game." "But you’ve seen them before." I look. "Notice how there are six of them?" "But I thought there were only three. Eugene! You ruined something else for me!"

And not looking at the screen doesn’t help. Because he calls out, "Wow, Hyrule Castle is so nice!"
Fair enough. He ruined the fact that Hyrule Field existed. He ruined the fricking Serenade of Water, which none of you (save Liam) will understand or appreciate. God damnit!

I asked him what he gained from forcing me to play Zelda. He basically said he enjoyed watching me struggle through things he accomplished too. Well ain’t that nice. He’s not a sadist, but he likes to test the extremeties and reactions of human nature. He enjoys watching other people watch a horror movie, and a romance, and a comedy, because it amuses him. And he enjoys watching me play my favourite game so he can be a prick about it. He’s ruining it for me. Jesus Christ, son of Man, he’s ruining it for me. And sorry to get all Biblical on yo’ ass, but damn fucking nation! Move out you asshole! Move! Get out of the house, and leave me with Zelda! Leave me so I can stop being called a copycat because we have the same ideas and you get there first. Leave so I can play Zelda in peace. Leave so you won’t torment me and blackmail me and be an ass. Or give me chocolates or presents or games of Wii tennis. Yes Eugene, I thank you for your kindness, but in truth I am happiest when I am away from you! Or you’re away from me! Yes, that is when I am happiest. I shit you not! When you went to England for two weeks? So happy! Nothing went wrong. White clouds, blue sky, time flew. When you went on Kairos, same thing. In fact, when you go anywhere, I’m free! I can practice the piano whenever I like, I can watch a movie without you taking the disk out and demanding I play something else for you. I can stay on the computer without you hitting the reset button. I don’t have to hide the fact I have a weblog from you. I don’t have to hide food in my room so you can’t steal it, even though every now and then I’m sure you do. I don’t have to talk quietly on the phone so no one can hear me. Because you always say I’m a fake on the phone, so I keep my voice down and am always on the opposite end of the house.

This is not a healthy brotherly relationship! Gotta go he’s coming.

Nightcrawler’s Catechumen

Another entry about dreams. I quite like them, don’t you?

When I fall asleep, I get rather frustrated with stagnancy. If there’s a long cue to a door, I’ll decide I don’t have the patience to dream I’m standing in line, and I’ll walk through the wall to the other side. I’ll just split apart all my atoms at once and then reform them across the wall. This is very useful.

Also, when I’m chasing someone or running away (usually the former), I might decide that it’s not worth dreaming about running and running for my life. I’ll just BAMF! and vanish. Then, somewhere else, a purple/black cloud will appear and I’ll be there. It’s instant teleportation, and everyone in my dream is just like, "Oh sh*t! He’s right behind us!" They seem to be very accepting of my mutant powers. It’s really quite cool, because I can decide, while I’m dreaming, that something is taking too long. Then, I will (consciously?) decide to teleport to a certain location (that I can see) to hurry things along.

Something else that I’ve noticed is that nobody in my dreams can be killed. It defies logic, but I have shot people in the face with magnum bullets. I have point-blank unloaded cartridges of shotgun shells into zombies. I have run people through with swords, and they will keep on coming. I decide that whatever I’m trying isn’t working, and I don’t bother running, I just give up and sort of try and talk to them or just be on peaceful terms with them. Like that zombie dream, they weren’t dying, so I just sort of holstered the gun and casually walked past them in the faith they wouldn’t bite me. And they didn’t.

I wonder why I so often dream of being in mortal conflict. And why I always fight whatever it is. Like last night I dreamed I was a wannabe ninja, just like in real life, except I had a sharp sword to go with it. Bunch of drunkards were terrorising the neighbourhood, I joined a secret association to defend the town from such attacks, and I rode off on my own to fight a group of them… In short, lot of fighting going on, wicked dream, classic fight of flight scenario. But when it comes to flight, I do not run. Why? Why would I rather fight to the inevitable death rather than run and save myself? Because running terrorises me! Blind fear is what fuels a flight. Desperation to survive. I can’t handle that. I can’t handle the pressure. So I’d fight to the brutal and bloody death. Fortunately everyone is immortal in my dreams, but still…

I’m starting to worry about myself.

Sunshine

This is the weblog of a 14-year-old girl in Iraq who calls herself Sunshine. In the midst of a torn land, where war and hatred grow as mines, shrapnel and bullets to wreak the broken earth, one little girl prays for a better future. I will pray with her, and will start doing more for people who don’t even have the funds to live. I have a lot to read now…

http://livesstrong.blogspot.com/

Wth?

What the hell? I only just realised Greg is monotone o.O
I’ve known the guy for at least three years, and it only just occured to me that his voice isn’t just "strange", it’s fricking monotone. Why do I not notice these things?

All right, here’s an actual entry. This is one of my favourite quotes.
"I close my eyes and the world disappears." Or similarly, "Nothing exists unless I look at it."
They are astoundingly accurate when referring to my observation skills. Ethnicity is impossible for me to differentiate, except for Japanese/Asian/Caucasian. Everyone else just fits into "Caucasian", except maybe the Irish. God bless their merry hearts. Anyway, seriously, I’ll never be able to tell when someone wasn’t born in Australia until someone points it out to me and it becomes blatantly obvious. I never pick up on accents, I never notice people, I just don’t recognise any of it.

I also have the astounding ability to put down a book and then forget most of what I just read. That’s a very bad thing, and it fricking sucks. That’s why I never do Novels in my English exam, because I never remember more than a few key events. Even books like Tale of the Otori, favourite books, are just images here and there that can help me piece together the story. Damnation, what the hell?

Also, while I’m at it, what’s up with my sense of direction? Take me two streets away from home and I can’t find my way back. Why is that? How come I don’t know my way to school yet? I mean, I sort of have an idea that if I go down this road and then turn over there, but seriously. I couldn’t find my way home from the train station, even though I’d driven past it at least a hundred times. I took two wrong turns uncertainly before I managed to find something familiar. Why don’t I remember anything when I walk/drive somewhere? I can never find my way back. And if I were in the middle of the city, I couldn’t possibly point in the general direction of a surrounding suburb. I have no idea where anything is geographically.

All right, there we go. Some of my major flaws. What a strange creature I am.

PS: In other news, I’m learning to juggle. ^^