By Susan Corso, Ode Magazine
Acceptance is the key to change, and the key to peace.
“On the other side of acceptance is where peace exists, where the solutions are,” says Ariane de Bonvoisin, author of The First 30 Days: Your Guide to Making Any Change Easier, quoted in the August 2009 Guideposts.
In 27 years of counseling, I have found that what Ms. De Bonvoisin says is always true. Always. No exceptions.
Do you believe me?
The opposite of acceptance is resistance, and strangely, resistance is what magnetizes to us exactly what we don’t want. In facing whatever we don’t want, and accepting it as it is, we are then able to reach peace around whatever the ‘it’ is.
Try this scenario: You really dislike your current job. Really dislike it. You want to quit, but for various reasons, you can’t. Rather than continue to resist the job, begin to find things you can appreciate (and therefore accept) about it. I’ve seen it work over and over again. When acceptance comes, change can happen.
Think of the thing you most resist in your current life. It could be a relationship, a task, an assignment, anything. Notice your own resistance to it. Begin to switch your resistance to appreciation, and you will find yourself living into acceptance of what is. Once you accept what is, it’s pretty easy to change it.
One of the things that never ceases to amaze me is that we actually resist peace on this planet. We make peace a when/then possibility. When I lose 15 pounds, then I’ll be at peace. Why not be at peace with the 15 pounds, and let them melt away?
When there’s a Republican/Democrat in the White House, then I’ll be at peace. Why?
When I’m out of debt, then I’ll be at peace. Why? Why wait to be at peace? What do you get from waiting, from postponing peace? I don’t think we get any benefit from it.
Like the gift of the present moment, peace can only exist in this moment–now. And then the next now. Delaying it doesn’t help anyone.
Try acceptance if you want peace.
Knowing me, I’ll not play it for years, but I got it at a greater than bargain price.
Ahh JB. Possibly my favourite store in the world.
I’m picking an awful lot of favourites lately…
You know? I believe Wendy Strgar is one of my favourite people.
Love is a choice you make from moment to moment. –Barbara De Angelis
If love is so healing why does it hurt so much? This is a good
question with difficult answers. Love the verb is a constant practice
of feeling compassion, giving the benefit of the doubt and struggling
to feed our goals and desires, as well as those of whom we love. This
aspiration is a juggle even in the most functional of relationships;
and the score rarely comes up 50-50.
Approaching our intimate relationships with the intent of an action
verb is realistic, if not a bit daunting. The romantic version of the
verb, the measure we use for our love relationships, reflects the
illusion of love as a vacation. We sit side by side in some beautiful
natural location and the only action required is offered by the love
that we feel, washing over us, filling us, just as easily as the nearby
waterfall washes over and fills the streambed. Physical intimacy
carries the potential to generate this experience; flush with
heightened hormones and released tension; lovemaking seems to encompass
all of what is love.
These peaks of love are profoundly healing and sustaining. However
it is unrealistic to expect that these experiences should encompass all
that is love. When we are unable to show up for those we love, the
feelings that we bear are the polar opposite of what we feel when we
succeed in these relationships. It doesn’t matter if the slight is
intended or a consequence of life’s competing demands. Generating the
love sometimes is our work alone. This past week, in the midst of my
own personal swine flu epidemic as one kid after the next fell to the
illness, my resources were spread extremely thin. Giving up lesser
priorities in the face of illness always seems so clear in retrospect,
but not always easy to discern in the moment.
More often than not, there is no malice intended in most of love’s
disappointments. Life frequently tests our ability to forgive the
intrusions to our peace of mind and to sustain the pain and longing of
someone we love and cannot show up for. We must be willing to balance
the hardships, bear the ache in our heart and in our relationships if
we expect to experience the vacation of love working for us. If we are
unwilling to sustain the work of love, all we ever get is a brief
glimpse of a paradise, fading fast enough that it is easy to dismiss.
Illness is as much a part of our human condition as is wellness.
Most of what we do in life can be traced back to the basic human drive
to be happy and well. The times that we feel most fragile are made more
bearable when held in love. Unfortunately, the courage and intention to
sustain each other during the daily annoyances is sadly often more than
we can bear. The number of people who report feelings of relief at the
end of their long-term relationships continues to amaze me. Loving each
other is the hardest work we do and what we do with that work defines
our life in health and illness. Although I feel bad about not being the
mother I want to be this weekend, I hope that I return to the work with
more resolve to stay with it.
Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making
Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the
importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She
helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and
relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice. Wendy
lives in Eugene, Oregon with her husband, a psychiatrist, and their
four children ages 11-20.
But ultimately? I think the reason I lost is because the other guy was better. He was more aggressive, had longer reach (I suspect the tables would have been turned if he was smaller than I was) and never gave me a chance to relax. And now that I’ve acknowledged that, I’ve freed myself to train for the right reasons: not out of vengeance or a quest to be undefeatable, but to gain greater mastery of myself so that if I’m faced with such a person again, I’ll be better equipped to try again.
Okay. That’s all the entries for the tournament, I promise. Thanks again to Bethwyn for all the photos she took!
My total score? I was knocked out in the first round, score 1-0.
Sensei says that competition is a game. You have to play the game and follow its rules to win. I had thought it would be easy, particularly in the novice division. Three or four kicks to the head to succeed to the next round- no problem. But it was very different to how I pictured. I keep forgetting that people can block in karate, and that it’s easy to stop a kick. Although I landed a few hits, they didn’t score any points because there wasn’t enough power in them to be considered a "killing blow". I copped one in the eye, and while I didn’t like the pain, it made me angry. I wanted to just start throwing attacks wildly (which would have probably connected), anything to score and put myself in front. Some of the other competitors turned red with fury, and it barely helped them. It was harder to kiai with a mouthguard in so it was harder to show the power of a strike. Competitions are also a lot messier, with technique sacrificed for speed, distance and the desire to just connect a hit in the hope it might score.
Overall I’m disappointed. It’s a sensation I’m feeling with unpleasant regularity. In my head, I’m undefeatable, untouchable, fast and strong enough to take on anyone. But the reality is apparently proving somewhat different. The difference between the real and the ideal is causing me to doubt myself, something I don’t do very often. Confidence makes a person better at what they’re doing, but even with all that self-assurance (I don’t think I’d call it arrogance), I’m still able to lose. It’s unthinkable, but it’s happening, and it’s not pleasant to process.
And worst of all, I don’t know why I’m losing. My reaction to the disappointment is to train harder- to iron out my flaws and become even stronger. But that is a blind path for poor reason. If I wish to improve, I know I need to return to my roots as a martial artist and work from ground up. But I do need to train, just for the right reasons. Rather than "to never lose again", I should aim "to correct my mistakes". Subtle difference, but an important one that makes all the difference. I am quite sore about my defeat today, but I’ll get back on the horse and try again. Meanwhile I need to acquire a punching bag, or preferrably one of those giant rubber dummies to practice on. I think I saw one at Rebel sport for like, $200+ dollars. I think it’s kinda worth it. So that’s my next investment, right after a GPS system and presents for various events.
Thanks especially to Bethwyn for driving me there and taking lots of photos. Ja ne!
The short version of this story is that I didn’t do as well as I thought I would have. I messed up a few times and would have gotten a good beating. I’ve always believed that I am more or less invincible in a fight, because of my speed and now, power. I can anticipate moves or cut them off. I can kick faster than most people can punch. But in that circle, surrounded on all sides, I do not think I could have fought my way out. If they hadn’t been kiaiing, then they would have crippled me for sure. So that was disappointing. If it had been a street fight, I don’t think I could have beaten more than two of them before I was overwhelmed. That said, no one (other than PJ, the above mentioned) did particularly well, even with so simple an attack as a jab or stepping punch. Though I suspect sensei could have taken out everyone in the circle with one hand behind his back.
So no, I’m not as invincible as I’d like to think. It’s shaken me up a bit, but I still want to learn to overcome my weaknesses and see if I can improve. Most of all I wish to test myself in a real fight situation, not training or play fighting, so I can test myself without holding back. I guess the only time I can truly find out is if I get jumped some day, not that I want to pick fights. If anyone wants to help me train, I’d more than welcome your help.
Ahh, Deepak Chopra. Your wisdom continues to inspire me.
Since we all take
our choices very seriously, adopting this new attitude requires a major
shift. Today, you can begin with a simple exercise. Sit down for a few
minutes and reassess some of the important choices you’ve made over the
Take a piece of paper and make two columns labeled “Good Choice” and
“Bad Choice.” Under each column, list at least five choices relating to
those moments you consider the most memorable and decisive in your life
so far – you’ll probably start with turning points shared by most
people, but be sure to include private choices that no one knows about
Once you have your list, think of at least one good thing that came
out of the bad choices and one bad thing that came out of the good
choices. This is an exercise in breaking down labels, getting more in
touch with how flexible reality really is.
If you pay attention, you may be able to see that not one but many
good things came from your bad decisions while many bad ones are
tangled up in your good decisions.
No single decision you ever made has led in a straight line to where
you find yourself now. You peeked down some roads and took a few steps
before turning back. You followed some roads that came to a dead end
and others that got lost at too many intersections.
Ultimately, all roads are connected to all other roads. So break out
of the mindset that your life consists of good and bad choices that set
your destiny on an unswerving course. Your life is the product of your
awareness. Every choice follows from that, and so does every step of
Adapted from The Book of Secrets, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2004).