What’s happening to me?
I didn’t sleep very well last night. I had nightmares of different kind of catastrophes playing out one after the other. As soon as a bus had crashed into a tree, the child I was babysitting got burned due to my first aid inexperience, only to be followed by a whirlpool opening up in Jack’s living room and attempting to swallow up his family. Disaster after disaster exhausted me, and all I could think of was finding a way to call my boss in my dream and tell her I needed a few more hours sleep before coming in late to work due to my catastrophic day.
I’ve been asking some pretty frustrating questions lately. Is this really what I want from life? Working at PICYS is actually my dream job, combining emergency relief, accommodation, life skills, youth work, counselling, drug and alcohol, mental health and non-governmental office work. So why does it stress me out so much?
I was contemplating why it doesn’t satisfy me as a life purpose. I don’t know what to do. I crave for my simpler job at Coles where I knew exactly what I had to do (fill shelves) and what would happen if I didn’t so it (customers couldn’t buy products). I have a nearly identical job at the library, so why don’t I want to do that? I think something about Jude is stressing me out.
So perhaps then I can go back to my roots and pursue something that has always given me pleasure. I could become a Shaolin monk and train for ten hours a day. But what would I be training for? A perfect body and a still mind, but no purpose for either of them? Perhaps the army? But I don’t want to kill strangers because other people tell me to. It goes against everything I’ve ever believed in, and Ajahn Brahm wouldn’t be very proud of me. Perhaps a Buddhist monk then? But I don’t think I could live without Bethwyn…
WHAT DO I WANT?!?!