For the past four days in a row, I have gotten up some time between 5 and 6am. I didn’t plan to – it just kind of happened that way. First I met up with a friend for hiking, then I needed to fill a skip bin before it was removed (though it turns out they still haven’t picked it up two days late), then I had nightmares and couldn’t sleep, and finally I’ve given a lesson to my karate student. Although it’s early days yet (forgive me), it’s such a gift to see the sun rising, and to hear the birds begin to sing. The air is crisp and fresh, and the coolness of the dawn makes it a pleasure to be outside.
I haven’t been a “morning person” in many years, but I think I might try and become one again. Additionally, there’s something appealing to me about to building the discipline of getting up even though I don’t want to. I guess we’ll see how things go over the next few days – it’s probably easier to sustain while I have the opportunity to nap during the day. I recall a few years ago that I got up at 6am every morning (except Christmas Day) to run for 5km around Tomato Lake. Tiredness became my default setting, and I just learned to live with it.
I do not want to live a half-life of wandering about in a daze, not willing to sleep but neither willing to get up and be active. I’ve known such states all too well lately, and have filled the void with idle games or scrolling facebook.
Speaking of which, I noticed that I was spending a lot of time on facebook, so I downloaded an app that could track how much time I was spending on my phone. In the first week, I was disheartened to learn that I was losing over an hour a day on average to mindlessly scrolling, hoping for that next endorphin hit. I noticed the problem got really bad when, without being conscious of it, I minimised the facebook app and then re-opened it hoping for that fresh first-time-checking-experience.
After that I disabled the app on my phone for a day, and once I had re-established a degree of self-mastery, used the tracking app to set an alarm once I’d used it for 30 minutes. I’m happy to say that I’ve rarely gone over 30 in the past few weeks, but I’m still using it more than I want to.
It’s a tricky thing though. In my head, it’s uncomfortable but not impossible to just experience distress and boredom without deflecting and distracting. In practice, it’s almost intolerable for me to be tired but not try and comfort myself somehow. When I’m tired, I’m really fucking miserable, and if scrolling through wholesome memes and stories makes me feel a little better about my life, then it’s very hard to convince myself that it’s bad for me. Of course once I start scrolling, I find it super hard to stop; I keep promising myself that I’ll close the app after “that next big hit”, the next story that I pause to read, or the next image that makes me smile. Spoiler alert: it never comes. Or rather, I read the story, and then want more because I only get this tiny little endorphin release, and I’m chasing that next big hit. It’s really hard for me to walk away when I’m getting diminishing returns, but I know logically that the void I’m trying to fill can never be filled, and I have to make peace with the emptiness inside me.
Speaking of filling the void, I picked up Skyrim again. This was a scary decision for me, because last time I played it I fell 237 hours deep into the hole. Yet, I’d been reading Inheritance and reading about fighting with swords and shields, and I had such a craving I thought I’d scratch it.
And I scratched the hell out of it. I played about 8 hours over a few days, choosing a very different path from my magical, highly moral Khajiit and acting as a proud Nord warrior. I blocked and I blocked, and I bashed and I bashed, and then feeling satisfied I put the game down again. I’m grateful I didn’t stay long in the pit of addiction I so-often find myself in.
In other gaming news, I’ve decided to take a break from Gwent and Overwatch, which were consuming an hour or two of my day on a regular basis. When they overhauled the Gwent mechanics I dipped back into it for a bit. Apart from my deck Mahakam’s Finest, all of them have really low success rates, but have been fun to play with. (For posterity, my decks are named Ackbar’s Nightmare, Komorebi Phantoms, Sage Wisdom, Wielder of the Flame or Anor, Dragon Fire, Master Elves, and my one and only Nilfgaard deck, For A Silver Penny.) After playing out the first competitive season and ranking reasonably well, I’ve decided to retire from Gwent, at least for now. Overwatch on the other hand, now that the Lunar New Year event is on, I’ve been playing almost every day until I get that sweet sweet “First Win of the Day” xp. Sometimes it takes five minutes, other times an hour. It’s pretty fun, so I’ll probably continue my pattern of playing it during events and then not at all in the interim months.
I’ve been trying to finish Mass Effect Andromeda for a while now, and I kinda ran out of steam with it. 80 hours in, I’ve 100%’d 3 of the planets, and am about halfway through one or two more. It’s an amazing game with a great story and interesting characters, but I am looking forward to retiring it so that I can move onto God of War which I got for my birthday three months ago. For once, I have so many accumulated games on my PS4 that I’ve run out of room to download them all, so I’m planning on finishing and uninstalling a bunch as soon as I can.
Training-wise, things are up and down. Something that is fresh in my mind is that I keep accidentally making contact with my partner, far more often than I want to (but not perhaps more often than is reasonable). Sometimes it’s because my partner responds unpredictably and moves (or moves me) into contact, and other times it’s just because I move in too far. I’d really like to get better at this right now.
I met a Chen-style taiji practitioner at King’s Park last week, and his balance and control both put me to shame and inspired me. I feel clumsy and awkward compared to the memory of him, and I’m starting to understand what mastery looks like: not just being competent at the moves, but doing them to a degree of perfection that they could not possibly be improved in any way, every time.
Karate in comparison is easier for me. I’m pretty confident as a teacher, and there’s so much I know that I wish to pass on to the other students. I kind of take for granted that not everyone has had the benefit of training for decades in various styles, and so their knowledge of basic grappling principles (for instance) is very poor, ever though their stand-up fighting is reasonable. It’s hard for me to be patient sometimes and I wish that it were possible for everyone to master a principle the first lesson they practiced it.
My great fascination at the moment is with weapons. In the past two months, I’ve been revising jian, sai, tonfa and jo. I daresay I’m quite adept with all of them, and I wish there were other people I could train with for applications. All of them feel like natural extensions of my body and will, and it would be great to explore them deeper in other contexts beyond the forms. I seem to have an affinity for weapons of just about every kind, and I’m grateful for those skills.
Well, that will do for now. Time to get on with my day and enjoy it while it’s cool. Hope your day is a blessed one, too <3