I am quite sure no one really wants to read this, but I really need to tell someone. Unemployment is killing me. More specifically, the feelings I am projecting onto my unemployment are killing me. I feel (regardless of its validity) like there is a void in my life, that there is no purpose to my living. This feeling does not overcome me all the time, but some days (maybe once a week) I will feel as if I’m going nowhere and that there’s no point to living any longer. In a mad frenzy I will search for jobs, throwing applications to the wind. This often makes me feel worse. Some of the jobs are full of promise, hope and prayer; small businesses with a belief in saving the planet, or about helping people in genuine ways. Others actually hurt me when I click the Apply button; soulless corporations who state things like “a hunger for achieving KPI’s” as one of their requirements of applicants. Yet, desperate as I am to make something meaningful of my life, I’ll apply anyway, sickened at the possibility they might accept me. And when that pile of jobs runs dry, I feel worse than ever with nothing left to do but wait until one of them contacts me (which, so far, they almost never do).
I feel like I’m wasting time. Every week I dawdle is one week closer to the start of placement and the resumption of meaningful work. But I am getting desperately bored, and I do not know how to deal with it.
I think I’ll just call Centrelink after all. It’s looking less and less likely I’ll actually get a job before placement, and I may as well be paid to search.