I am quite sure no one really wants to read this, but I really need to tell someone. Unemployment is killing me. More specifically, the feelings I am projecting onto my unemployment are killing me. I feel (regardless of its validity) like there is a void in my life, that there is no purpose to my living. This feeling does not overcome me all the time, but some days (maybe once a week) I will feel as if I’m going nowhere and that there’s no point to living any longer. In a mad frenzy I will search for jobs, throwing applications to the wind. This often makes me feel worse. Some of the jobs are full of promise, hope and prayer; small businesses with a belief in saving the planet, or about helping people in genuine ways. Others actually hurt me when I click the Apply button; soulless corporations who state things like “a hunger for achieving KPI’s” as one of their requirements of applicants. Yet, desperate as I am to make something meaningful of my life, I’ll apply anyway, sickened at the possibility they might accept me. And when that pile of jobs runs dry, I feel worse than ever with nothing left to do but wait until one of them contacts me (which, so far, they almost never do).

I feel like I’m wasting time. Every week I dawdle is one week closer to the start of placement and the resumption of meaningful work. But I am getting desperately bored, and I do not know how to deal with it.

I think I’ll just call Centrelink after all. It’s looking less and less likely I’ll actually get a job before placement, and I may as well be paid to search.

Unemployment

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8 thoughts on “Unemployment

  1. Pinata says:

    We’ve both been there, and those are the same thoughts we went through. If it gets too bad, or goes too much longer, I strongly recommend talking with a professional brain doc.
    If you can afford it, can you turn it around and train every day? Take advantage of the now available spare time?

    • Xin says:

      Hello Pinata-san. I’m sure you’re a closer personal friend of mine, but I’m having trouble identifying you. Would you mind emailing me or otherwise helping me place you?
      I’ve been contemplating seeing a psych or a GP about a potential attention disorder, but I’ve ultimately decided that the world is complex and difficult enough without adding medication and debilitating labels to it. If ever there comes a time when I cannot function for a week or more because of my obsession with purpose, then I will do something about it.
      It’s been a bit difficult to train the past week because of a physical unwellness, but I went to training last night anyway. This can indeed be seen as an opportunity to take advantage of spare time, and that is the optimistic perspective I wish to hold in my heart these next few months.

      • Pinata says:

        I am that which, until mid last year, was regularly used as a mugairyu uke, hence, pinata. I am somewhat surprised that you had not come across this particular nickname!

  2. I love you. Realistically, I don’t know if I can help in any way, but I am always willing to try if you’ll have me <3

  3. vel'ithya says:

    If you need to do something to fill your days, you could always volunteer at a charity organisation? It wouldn’t be paid work but it might well be rewarding in other ways.

    • Xin says:

      Thanks Vel. I actually came to that same conclusion yesterday evening- all this time I have which I could be using to help others- it’s kind of being wasted by lounging around despairing at my own boredom. Thanks for your suggestion, and your care.

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