Over the past few days, I’ve been pushed closer and closer to the edge. I just wanted to write this post so you have some idea of what I’m going through. I considered keeping this to myself and dealing with it like that, but hell, I’m too close to snapping, and I just want someone to realise that I’m losing it.
Seriously, don’t tease me for a day or two. I might hurt you. I punched Brendan Morphett for filling in for Paul with the whole "I wanna make love to you John Marshall" gag. I momentarily crippled Stephen’s fingers. Yesterday in Economics, I was temporarily delusioned and spent the entire lesson laughing hysterically at any excuse. I make quite an ass of myself in public, you know. So yes, first sign, I lost lucidity during class, and made two violent attempts. I sat up suddenly, towards the end of the lesson, declaring,
"I’ve got it! Violence is a psychological orgasm!"
Just feels so damn good, and you want to hold on to it for as long as possible. It looks like I’m not so masochistic after all. I fear for my control, and I believe this is something like what [Ahldrunnia (sp?)] is going through.
I’m not gay, God damn you, because I write poetry. Sure, the romantic poets were mostly homosexual, smoked all kinds of weird stuff, and were as promiscuous as you could get. But just because I imitate the style of romantic literature doesn’t make me gay! Just because I’m strange doesn’t mean I’m queer. I heard Aaron in Year 12 ask someone if I was gay; he was the Cairos member in charge of my Peer Ministry. That was a fricking slash, to the heart or wrist, whichever is more liable. Caring and being sensitive doesn’t mean you’re a transvestite.
Damn your determination to hate everything that’s different. Damn you all!
[please forgive this rant. I needed to be angry for a little while. I’ll try and calm down before school, but just in case, remember not to tease me today.]
What reason is there to live?
Now picture, if you can, all that waits for us is hell.
Do you still want to die?
How’s that for emo? Asses.
God has made existence magnificent,
He has made it through nonexistence.
He has concealed the sea
And exposed the foam,
Concealed the wind and displayed the dust.
The whirling dust flies like a dancer,
The wind is invisible, known only by trust,
The foam moves all about you,
But without the sea no whirling takes place.
Thought is hidden, speech is manifest.
I don’t know what time it is. Period 3 on a Tuesday. I’m failing maths. Like, literally failing maths. No long is this an idle threat- it is malignant, and worthy of serious contemptation. 80’s and up are A’s. Under 65’s are C’s. I’m a D. Brad Shaw’s down here with me, tying for worst in class, at 46%. This is my all time lowest point in maths. I may have to sacrifice those $15 a week and take up tuition. [My mother pays me an additional $15 on top of my pocket money if I don’t take tuition, because it’s cheaper for her.] My income just dropped 25% at the cost of doing well in maths. I genuinely don’t know if it was worth it.
My Reading List has been changed to my Reading, Writing and Watching list. I would imagine if I were to work consecutively for three months I would get it done. That’s with scant sleep. If you were to add the video games I have to play, as well, (Prince of Persia, Windwaker, Ocarina of Time, Crystal Shards, soon to be Twilight Princess [OMFG!!!] and all those merciful classics I wish I had played, like Lost Kingdoms…) We’re talking about a year, maybe three. And all this while I re-start Gunbound. I think I’ll just delete my account to save me the agony of wasting my life on it.
EDIT: Oh, I forgot to mention, there are about 25 fanfics I want to read from an author known as Canihaveasoda. A chapter takes about 20 minutes, so collectively we’re looking at a fornight’s reading, if I do nothing else. All this while I have school and half a social life to maintain.
DOUBLE EDIT: Also have to watch "Shakespeare in Love"