It’s been a little while since I’ve just blogged because I felt like writing. I’ve been missing the part of myself that loves to write, and I haven’t been sure what to write about these past months. So I’m just going to write about everything. I’m aware that the internet is a place that takes things out of context, and I’m cautious of maybe some people taking stuff the wrong way, but I just need to get it out of me, free-association style.
Things at the dojo have been going well. I haven’t trained in much karate lately, though I’ve recently taken on the condition to be at all the taiji classes to help with instruction as needed (though I’ve only taught the odd class or two). I’ve also taken on the job of keeping the building clean and presentable, and it’s something I take great pride in. I seem to have boundless energy for the endless list of chores that come with polishing a place I love so much, and it’s strange for me to vacuum and sweep and scrub for hours whilst my own house slowly gets dustier and dustier. I love so much creating beautiful spaces, and handling each object in the dojo and finding a new place to put it that makes it shine.
I’ve been really into Non-Violent Communication lately. One of the side-effects of organising groups at work around a certain topic is that I research the shit out of it and put something together in a meaningful way to me. I’ve noticed in the past months that I’ve been much more aware of my feelings and needs, and that my confidence to talk about them and make requests to meet them has grown too. It’s been so wonderful for me that I’ve been trying to help those around me gain the same knowledge so they can practice it too, and I can’t help but wonder if people are getting sick of me riding around on my high horse telling them how important it is to verbalise needs.
I’ve been wondering about a lot of things lately, to be honest. My self-esteem seems to go up and down. One day I feel I’m one of the best human beings I’ve ever met, and that I’m growing into someone courageous, generous and loving. The next I feel like I’m upsetting everyone I meet and doing more harm than good.
Today is one of the latter days. I’m feeling worn down from all the things happening in my life lately. I performed chanoyu (Japanese tea ceremony) last weekend, and the practice leading up to that took up a lot of potential rest time. Incidentally, it was a really beautiful day, and we served tea to so many people and brought smiles to their faces and joy to their hearts. Or so I hope. It was exhausting, though, giving so much of myself so that the day would go well (and so that I could help sensei as a way of thanking her for the beautiful wedding gift of a chakago). With that and all the extra time I’ve put into being at the dojo, either to exercise, teach or clean, I’m feeling so run down. Flags have started popping up to alert me to the fact I am on the path of burnout.
Two weeks from now I’ll be in a new house, and that’s so exciting and so daunting. I still have piles of journals here from my old place two years and two moves ago that I haven’t picked up, and I’m starting to think I should just chuck them out. I kinda think it’s unrealistic that I’ll successfully pack up all my worldly belongings over the next week and a half whilst continuing to work and train as much as I do.
I think what I need most is a few days of not very much. Watching Daredevil on Netflix (I got Netflix, by the way. Can’t believe we’ve lived without it for so long.), playing games (Uncharted 2 next? Finishing Guild Wars 2’s personal/living story? I’ve been on such a roll lately, I’ve probably finished a dozen games in the past few months.), spending time with Beth. What I don’t need is to worry about what people want, to vacuum or pull over to change a tyre or to hold a door open because I fear being judged. I desperately crave to be selfish and “unproductive”, doing things just for the pleasure of doing them rather than because it would be “the best thing to do with my time”.
I’ve been seeing a new counsellor by the way, for probably eight months now. She’s so much more than I realised I wanted; intellectual, curious, compassionate. It makes for a safe place to explore myself, and to examine unhelpful beliefs and values. What I’m working on at the moment is my chronic lateness, my beliefs around productivity, my inability to relax when there are other people around and my subconscious fear of negative judgements from practically everyone I meet. It’s really nice to do be working on my own stuff again.
Well, that’s it for now. I’ve got other stuff to explore, and I’ll do that privately. Hope you’ve all been well <3
Xin's Weald 