Humanity – not just for me

The world continues to astound me. Fully conscientious of the time, perhaps overly so, I must make this quick entry. I’m such a blog-whore.

I read the blog of a friend today. I hadn’t even known it existed, and because I (*like so many others before me*) have reluctantly joined the ranks of the famed myspace cadets, he added me as a friend. It was only two weeks later that I checked, and added him back. I’ve had very few conversations with the guy since Year 9. Sure we’ve talked and joked and laughed about impossible theories, but until today I hadn’t realised who he was. I had never acknowledged that perhaps beneath that cunning smile and that endless assault of repartee, there was a human being. This is one of my greatest faults- I have been blind to the humanity of so many close to me. I thought people were callous, but I was shown that they suffer what I do, and more. I’m just frighteningly honest about opinions, feelings, emotions and anything else that people hide, guys and girls. I am the enigma, not them. I am the deviant, but only because I choose to show it. Perhaps I’ve been a bit ruthless in my judgement of people, and might one day be able to connect with the humanity of those I so often reject.

I am the guilty one here, for not realising that I’m not the only one in the universe who counts.

~Xin

Anna-liese

So. My first encounter with the Counsellor. She’s a nice lady with whom I can converse. Perhaps I was slightly impotent with unnecessary grandiloquence, foreshadowed by the term "moribund" which she’d not encountered before, but otherwise I think (verbosity aside) it was good. I could talk, she could talk, and true to her word we managed to spend 30 minutes considering without digression the ways I can improve my study skills. A pleasantly illuminating session, although nothing I hadn’t already known. Just in case, now that she knows me a bit better, she’s going to spend the week pondering any good ideas and she’ll share them with me the same time next week. Beyond that, I’ve been invited back whenever I please, or whether I don’t please, so it was my pleasure to meet her, and will be again.

~Xin

Have Faith in the Counsel

All right then, little bit of a story for you.

This morning, I woke up at 6am and pretended to be awake for another fifteen minutes. Half an hour later, I had eaten breakfast and drank a milo, and felt ready to study for the economics test in Period 2. Having only 45 minutes to study, I got right to it. Sort of. I’d had a little chocolate to go with my brekky, which I thought would wake me up. Instead I was full of energy, fidgeting, tapping my feet, drumming my fingers. I made the very wise decision of staying home from Period 1 (Religious Education: doesn’t constitute a real class) to steal extra study time.

However, when I arrived at school three minutes before Period 2, I made the very big mistake of putting "Moribund" as my excuse for such a delayed arrival. Moribund is a word that means, "at the point of death". I was just being facetious, uncertain whether to say malady or moribund, and I went for the more extreme of the two. My intention was only to pretend I’d been dying from some horrible disease, but in period 3, Mr Mueller told me Mrs Lane wanted to see me. As you’ve guessed, she was extremely concerned about me. I was very flattered, but missed out the crucial point that I was only joking- she thought that the economics test had driven me close to suicide, and made me promise I’d talk to the counselor. I did end up seeing Analiese (sp) after school, and we’ve arranged for an appointment on Monday. I told her it wasn’t necessary, but just in case, she’s going to talk to me, and if I’m not a nutjob, she’ll just give me some study and stress management tips.

Well, lucky me. I get to miss an otherwise highly productive study period to have a quick CAT scan. I noticed two hockeysticks in her office, which intrigue me. I hope we’ll have to gladiator-it-out on a podium suspended dozens of miles above civilisation, but that’s only if I’m lucky. Ah well, I’ll let you know how that goes.

Life in General

Jebus: Never in all my life have I received a comment like yours. Although your desire to remain anonymous perplexes me, I thank you deeply for your words, advice and camaraderie. I guess the inscrutability of who might have said such honest, and yet not unkind words just strengthens their truth, because there’s no one to acknowledge. So, Jebus the Anonymous, I’d like to thank you.

Yeah, I’ve been having a bitch of a time. I don’t really know why, I don’t think I’ve had an excuse. Struck by inertia, depression and stolidity (that is, not doing anything, and not caring about it. Apathy, I suppose you could say), these past few days haven’t been my greatest. I always seem to revert to the negative, too. Yet, today, when I woke up in the morning I felt a little better. Not good enough to smile, but not like my existence and talents (or lackthereof) were worthless. Over the day, I had ups, and downs, but eventually I realised there was absolutely no point in having downs. Why would I want to be depressed, and see everything in a bad light? What purpose does that serve?

"1407.
Nobody likes being a negative Nancy, and now that I’m in a good mood again, I see no reason to depress myself, but rather, to live, work and play. Life shouldn’t be spent gloomily. Although I may be in need of training, every master starts somewhere. I learned the important lessons of patience and discipline, and it is only through these and my own rigorous determination that I will achieve strength and speed. My trial begins."

In particular, that refers to my recent Taekwondo efforts. I guess I could say that’s where everything went downhill- Monday afternoon. I’d been increasingly arrogant in class, trying to pull off fancy moves, trying to kick higher than I was able, trying to keep fluent and fast at the same time. I’m not ready to be a blackbelt yet. Three, maybe even four different people told me to control myself. And they were right- I’d completely lost it, and if we were fighting properly, they would have taken control (which I lacked) and put me in my place. They did, on a number of occassions. I’ve never been kicked so much- even by that other whitebelt, who apologised by told me to curb myself. After that, I felt like the lowest of the lows- it was humiliating, and I didn’t want to rant about it. But in reflection, it wasn’t a lesson to try harder to hurry up- to jump on the fastlane and kick some ass. It was a lesson to slow down, and I won’t bore you by my own endless thoughts, but I’m slowly learning to discipline myself. Pride, reputation and arrogance aside, I’m not completely pathetic afterall. It’s just important that I don’t forget my place at the back of the class.

That said, I have something very special to show you. It was given to me today, and I consider it an acknowledgement of worth. Upon receiving it, I felt replete with gratitude, and very humbled by the honour of its presentation. And while you may not think it’s a big deal, this is the biggest deal in the world to me. Below is permission to attend my first grading, in two and a half weeks time. I’m fond of my white belt, but I will have little remorse in shedding it for a more… chromatic cincture.

Love.

~Xin

/

I have not been having a very good life recently. No, that’s bullshit, I’ve been having a fine life. This week is no different to last, except my mentality. Okay then, well in that case, I’ve been having a desperately negative week. Sure there are plus sides to my day, but all I think of are my incompetencies.

Can’t kick high enough. What’s that? You want to kick higher? You shouldn’t. Kick low until you learn how to kick properly, you noob.
Should do more homework. Huh? Homework? Dude, you should have done it by now. You should already be studying.

In fact, screw the examples, i don’t need them to say this. I’m really dissatisfied with myself, all my accomplishments or whatever. But that’s just me on a bad day. Everything I do is WORTHLESS because it’s not good enough. I am not good enough. I feel wretched, and I know it’s purely psychological, and all I’m doing is encouraging a spiral of endless put-downs and devaluing myself as a human being. Far out, I just feel so pathetic! I suck, and worse, I tell myself I suck! So, THINKING that I suck will never let me do anything other than suck. So here’s what you have to do John. Settle the hell down and take a good long look at yourself, and think real hard about why you’re being such a Negative Nancy™.

Ahhh whatever. The longer I type, the more I rant. The more I rant, the more negative and depressed I make myself, and there’s absolutely no logic in that. I’m going to post this entry now, because I wrote it. I hope that soon I can replace it with something much more… valued.

Love,

John.