As a Great man once said…

Why is everything a thousand times funnier when you have something in your mouth?


Hello there. Yes, you. Hello! *waves*

I’ve got something to say. I cannot judge the truth of these words for myself just yet. Unfortunately, it is you who must decide what to make of the following few sentences. Nevertheless, I want you to know that I’m back on track. I had a good, long conservation and heard a few things I really needed to hear. I haven’t been fair to so many people- strangers even, who have not deserved the retribution I’ve given them. I’m changing now, slowly, but with certainty. What happened to that John I used to know, full of useless sayings about shining stars and potential for good? He was smothered by an endless assault of various degrees of selfishness. However, I don’t want to be the world’s biggest asshole anymore. I would hate myself if, two years ago, I knew this was the sort of person I’d become. So I’m changing. I’m going back to me, to whatever extent I can after this violent transformation. It’s not a big start, but it’s a step, and after all, What wound did ever heal but by degrees?

Thank you Moeko. Thank you Rachael.

Die Hard

Dearest readers,

I was doing RE, even though I have maths, human biology, literature and economics to do. I enjoy RE, most of the time. It gives me a moment to reflect, and I felt I needed that rather than distracting myself with more work. The chapter we’re on, Communication, caught me off guard. "How would you rate yourself as a listener? A, B, C, D, E, F." I instantly went to A, more out of predetermined habit than anything. I used to listen to everyone, and I used to say things back. Helpful things, occasionally destructive things, but things nonetheless. Now I don’t even want to talk to you if you have something to say to me. What happened? I’m ignoring people. So many people. I’m cutting others down with caustic replies and ending avenues of conversation. I’m furious with despair. I need everything to stop- to give me enough time to do my homework, to clear out my drawer of "Things to look at when I have the time", to breathe again. It’s just too much to do in too little time, and that’s made me high strung. It’s as far as I can get for an explanation of my recent behaviour, but I think it might be worse than that. Maybe I’m just tired of being a nice person? Sounds about right. Nice guys always finish last by the way, and whilst once I didn’t mind that, now I’m just angry. Angry at the idea nobody cares about me- I’m always the listener, never the speaker. I think I’ve been attention seeking, too. Standing by myself, staring down in a pensieve and symbollic stance and everyone walks past without a glance. So I, the attention-starved child, have resorted to naughty behaviour in order to at least be told off by someone. But no such scolding comes. Maybe that’s why I’m such a jerk?

I’m coming to pieces, day by day, and you’re on the receiving end of the stick. Every single hour is drawn out. When I’m put in proximity with other people, like an adjacent desk, I get very little done. I’m not going to ask you to leave me alone, just to forgive me if I push you away. Liam, I don’t hate you, I don’t think I can. I’m just full of contempt, and I’m not sure who it’s directed at or for what reasons. Probably just standard teenaged angst, perhaps brought on by the stress of exams (which I haven’t bothered thinking of. I’m trying to survive the day, not the next three weeks). So I’m sorry everyone. I’m a bastard, that’s as far as it goes. I caution against being near me, but it’s your call.

*sigh* Maybe I’ll go talk to someone or something. I wonder who’s left to talk to after I’ve silenced so many voices?

Azrael

I have been an absolute asshole these past few weeks. I’ve been cutting people down with harsh comments, denying people easy, simple favours, just being a jerk in general. I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry. I don’t like it, believe me. Although it has its benefits, treating everyone like dirt, I’ve lost my ability to be a friend. I don’t know how, but I can’t be a nice guy, I can’t comfort or laugh…

I’m so sorry everyone. I’m going to try and transform back into Mr Niceguy. Wish me luck.

Mortem

Had no intention of posting this until I thought, hey, maybe I should.

Do your worst. It’s nothing compared to what I’ve done to myself.

To live is to suffer. Every action you make will result in the deaths of thousands of microscopic life forms. Are you so careful to save the crickets and grasshoppers when your life is going to torture countless others? And there’ll be suffering in your life too, no one can avoid that. My conclusion is, once again, that to live is to suffer.

No fancy-pants title for you!

I never did say what my grades are, did I? Well here they are below. I am not proud, I am not happy.

Economics: – 61.6% – C
Applicable Mathematics: –
49.3% – C/D
Human Biology: –
85.35% – A
English Literature: –
63% – C/B
Music: –
70.1% – B

I can’t believe Mrs Savvy-Walsh (Human Bio teacher) gave me satisfactories. Apparent from my grades, Human Biology is the one subject I care about, the one subject I’ll do all my homework for, read other textbooks about, spend hours of rigorous study mastering. Yet, I’m not top of the class, for the pure and simple reason that she hates me. I’ve given up trying to argue for marks in essays/short answers, because I won’t get them. I could bitch about her somemore, but that won’t get much done. I hope I can get the award this year, but I’m about 4th in class so it’s dubious at best.

Meanwhile, I’ve got assignments to do. Why didn’t I do them earlier? Well, quite simply, stfu I’m working on it.

Kablooie.

I’m going to attempt a blog entry now. I’ve been more and more detracted from it by the responses I’ve been getting, and either my entries suck, or the world has a problem with them. Either way, it’s not all that great for me. I have a bunch of trivia to write, and overall hopefully it should amount to something.

-I did not have a shower until 11:45pm last night. Filthy, filthy bastard. Jack would not approve, and I certainly wouldn’t either. My reasons? I didn’t want to leave the computer for the 5 minutes it would have taken to shower. MSN sucks the life out of me. So why don’t I learn? Well I did, because I stopped using it, but the rare occassion where I’ll sign in to see if there’s anyone worth chatting to… If there is, hours of my life can be scrapped in advance. And myspace! Kathleen’s right, I’ve been addicted. I have ALWAYS hated myspace, but now I check it frequently. Not to update my own, thankfully, but to glean a mere two or three profiles worth viewing. I learn more about people through their myspace than through them!! Is myspace a godsend to spread and maintain friendship around the world? Or is it a plague that drives people to take photos of themselves and leave mindless comments about how sparkly a profile is?

-When I did have that shower, it was a hot one. Ever since Georgie made the comment "Gee, John your life is just SO¬†difficult. You are above petty restictions such as cold what a load of bullshit!" I have denied myself hot showers. That was on the 02/04/07, so it’s been over a month. It’s approaching winter, and it’s been cold, but I’ve been stronger than that. Now? Some research resulted in the crestfalling knowledge that I gain nothing from it, except being cold. No physical benefits, just a stupid trial to torture myself. Also, because my showers are shorter (not all that fun, being in a cold shower, though it’s not entirely uncomfortable either) I may not clean myself as thoroughly as I would. Therefore, I had a hot shower. That lasted half an hour. I cannot stand myself! Such extravagant time wasting, it happens every time I’ve had a hot shower. I just zone out and dream! So that’s it, either focused, briefer hot showers, or pneumonia and a few extra minutes.

-I am not a samurai. Not by a long shot. I don’t even follow their principles religiously. Hell I don’t even know their principles. I have never been trained in kenjutsu, and if I ever am, I will never be able to use that knowledge in anything. I will not strike or cut anybody with a sword intentionally. If I do snap some day and actually go on a hitokiri killing spree, it’s better I’m inexperienced with the blade so I don’t maul my way through Perth. Too many lives lost. I’m not a samurai. Not by a longshot. Goodbye Samurai Signs list.

-I’m not a ninja. Yeah that’s right, you heard me. Your petty insults mean nothing now. I won’t go on Bounty’s Revenge again. See if you can make me, I dare you. I don’t have the skillz, not even in hacking. Not much of an acrobat, can’t hold my own against someone reasonably trained in the martial arts, have zero stealth stat… No, my charade of pretending to be ninja-esque is over. You know why?

-I think I’d make a better pirate. By the gods the world is ending. Wait- was that a pun? Is Pirates of the Carribean: At World’s End coming out soon? Harr harr harr matey, it sure is ya faggot. Yeah it’s true. I’m a fucking pirate. I carried a compass around for a year, until Liam pointed out ninjas don’t need compasses and pirates do (I don’t need a compass, but it was something to play with in class). Lord Xin from RuneScape wore an eyepatch and carried a dagger at all times. I say Arr! in frustration and Harr! in mirth. I drank rum! Jamaican rum, and it was liquid ambrosia. Admittedly, I get sea sick easily, but on the scale of awesome (pirates being bottom, ninjas being top) I’m in the negatives. If I can work my way up to pirate, I can at least be killed by a ninja!

-What’s that? I’m being defeatist? Where’s the sense in that? A very good point my observant friend. Well, I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided that (yes, here we go again) we’re all going to die. Ultimately, what are we but interdependent molecules to sustain life- the life force, soul, spirit, life. A dead animal is the same as a living animal until it decomposes. What is life, exactly? What makes those cells work together? At any rate, all we are are molecules with the capacity to think and do stuff. That’s pretty cool, don’t get me wrong. But really, why do we bother living? Humans take satisfaction in the knowledge they accomplish things, however great or small, before they die. That’s all fine and dandy, but no matter how much you accomplish, no matter what you do in this life to make it better or worse, you’ll die anyway, no matter how hard you try. So why do we bother living at all? No, I’m not suicidal. Not in the definition that means slitting my wrist and writing poems with my blood. I’m more of a, All right, since I’m going to die, I’m going to kill as many bad people as I can because it’s easier to kill than to convert. Hence, war! Yes, I will wage war against the bad people in the world and go against every principal I have ever had for my entire life by taking the lives of strangers. Why not? They’re going to die some day, but they’re happy enough for the moment. Yes, let the mortals seek happiness. And then let death take them so it didn’t matter whether they were happy or not.

Going back to my original topic, what’s the point in living? I cannot say my argument is at all reasonable, because I’ve not experienced all life has. Who knows, somewhere down the line I might find a reason to live. "Of Human Bondage" said that life was basically all about having a family some day. I can’t help falling in love, and the chances are, I probably will. I’ll change my mind and decide to have kids afterall (It’s true. I didn’t want to bring them in to a world to live a meaningless existence and then die. Also, I didn’t want to pass on genes are wretched as my own. I’d almost be doing the world a favour by not having children. Maybe I will go into priesthood? No that’s just crazy talk) and we’ll be one happy family. Until that day, I continue with the firm belief that life has no real purpose. The things that matter most are friends, security/health and family. To be honest, I have only one friend that I would live for, and she’s not Jack. And, unfortunately, she’s not you either Lee. If it weren’t for her, I would genuinely believe my life is not worth living. For now, I must sustain this damned existence of stressed homework and rugged piratism with a few fleeting moments of joy thrown in the mix. Arr.

Where’s Jaxter? (lol)

I have a rival. To be honest, I’ve never had a rival for very long, because they’re always more determined than me to succeed, and will go to further lengths. Call it laziness, generosity or acquiescence. For whatever reasons, my rivals have all overtaken me, and I wonder now if history repeats itself.

New to the Taekwondo class is Dak. Six years ago, Dak was a rank or two below black belt. Present day,¬† he’s had one lesson (which he arrived late to) and is faster and more ferocious than me. Somewhere along the line, I decided that because I was so new, I could slow down and practice everything to perfection. Seeing Dak spar, he’s gone for explosive speed over perfected technique. I know that in the following weeks, his technique will improve dramatically, and then he’ll have both. Me? I’ll have technique, and a few broken bones. When we sparred, he connected more than one kick, and moved so quickly and erradically that I decided it was in my best interests to play defensive. He’s hotheaded, impatient and very quick. I wonder what belt he’ll get when he shows his record to Master Ross. If he outranks me, I’ll respect him. If he equals me, I will compete with him. If he is below me, I’ll make sure he stays that way.

For now, I’ve realised I’ve slacked off, and with that there realisation I have the power to do something about it. Dak’s speed and recklessness is intimidating, no doubt about it, and he’d probably beat me in a contact sparring match (fight). What do I do about that? Train, I guess. Mmf.

On a side note, Happy Birthday to a very special someone. I am not worthy of doing much more than that.