I was doing RE, even though I have maths, human biology, literature and economics to do. I enjoy RE, most of the time. It gives me a moment to reflect, and I felt I needed that rather than distracting myself with more work. The chapter we’re on, Communication, caught me off guard. "How would you rate yourself as a listener? A, B, C, D, E, F." I instantly went to A, more out of predetermined habit than anything. I used to listen to everyone, and I used to say things back. Helpful things, occasionally destructive things, but things nonetheless. Now I don’t even want to talk to you if you have something to say to me. What happened? I’m ignoring people. So many people. I’m cutting others down with caustic replies and ending avenues of conversation. I’m furious with despair. I need everything to stop- to give me enough time to do my homework, to clear out my drawer of "Things to look at when I have the time", to breathe again. It’s just too much to do in too little time, and that’s made me high strung. It’s as far as I can get for an explanation of my recent behaviour, but I think it might be worse than that. Maybe I’m just tired of being a nice person? Sounds about right. Nice guys always finish last by the way, and whilst once I didn’t mind that, now I’m just angry. Angry at the idea nobody cares about me- I’m always the listener, never the speaker. I think I’ve been attention seeking, too. Standing by myself, staring down in a pensieve and symbollic stance and everyone walks past without a glance. So I, the attention-starved child, have resorted to naughty behaviour in order to at least be told off by someone. But no such scolding comes. Maybe that’s why I’m such a jerk?
I’m coming to pieces, day by day, and you’re on the receiving end of the stick. Every single hour is drawn out. When I’m put in proximity with other people, like an adjacent desk, I get very little done. I’m not going to ask you to leave me alone, just to forgive me if I push you away. Liam, I don’t hate you, I don’t think I can. I’m just full of contempt, and I’m not sure who it’s directed at or for what reasons. Probably just standard teenaged angst, perhaps brought on by the stress of exams (which I haven’t bothered thinking of. I’m trying to survive the day, not the next three weeks). So I’m sorry everyone. I’m a bastard, that’s as far as it goes. I caution against being near me, but it’s your call.
*sigh* Maybe I’ll go talk to someone or something. I wonder who’s left to talk to after I’ve silenced so many voices?