Yeah, I’ve been having a bitch of a time. I don’t really know why, I don’t think I’ve had an excuse. Struck by inertia, depression and stolidity (that is, not doing anything, and not caring about it. Apathy, I suppose you could say), these past few days haven’t been my greatest. I always seem to revert to the negative, too. Yet, today, when I woke up in the morning I felt a little better. Not good enough to smile, but not like my existence and talents (or lackthereof) were worthless. Over the day, I had ups, and downs, but eventually I realised there was absolutely no point in having downs. Why would I want to be depressed, and see everything in a bad light? What purpose does that serve?
Nobody likes being a negative Nancy, and now that I’m in a good mood again, I see no reason to depress myself, but rather, to live, work and play. Life shouldn’t be spent gloomily. Although I may be in need of training, every master starts somewhere. I learned the important lessons of patience and discipline, and it is only through these and my own rigorous determination that I will achieve strength and speed. My trial begins."
In particular, that refers to my recent Taekwondo efforts. I guess I could say that’s where everything went downhill- Monday afternoon. I’d been increasingly arrogant in class, trying to pull off fancy moves, trying to kick higher than I was able, trying to keep fluent and fast at the same time. I’m not ready to be a blackbelt yet. Three, maybe even four different people told me to control myself. And they were right- I’d completely lost it, and if we were fighting properly, they would have taken control (which I lacked) and put me in my place. They did, on a number of occassions. I’ve never been kicked so much- even by that other whitebelt, who apologised by told me to curb myself. After that, I felt like the lowest of the lows- it was humiliating, and I didn’t want to rant about it. But in reflection, it wasn’t a lesson to try harder to hurry up- to jump on the fastlane and kick some ass. It was a lesson to slow down, and I won’t bore you by my own endless thoughts, but I’m slowly learning to discipline myself. Pride, reputation and arrogance aside, I’m not completely pathetic afterall. It’s just important that I don’t forget my place at the back of the class.
That said, I have something very special to show you. It was given to me today, and I consider it an acknowledgement of worth. Upon receiving it, I felt replete with gratitude, and very humbled by the honour of its presentation. And while you may not think it’s a big deal, this is the biggest deal in the world to me. Below is permission to attend my first grading, in two and a half weeks time. I’m fond of my white belt, but I will have little remorse in shedding it for a more… chromatic cincture.