An Excess of Spoons

A friend of mine recently made a post on facebook about not having enough spoons to learn about changing the world, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

This morning I found myself driving home wondering what I’d do before work. I had a few hours, and most of my primary needs were met, so I could use the remaining time and spoons to invest in the person I wanted to grow into.

I’d already exercised, so I was feeling great about that.
Maybe I could do that creative writing I’ve been putting off for a few days? The ideas in my head are slowly leaking away, and it would be good to capture a few of them. Or what about that beautiful line in iambic pentameter that’s stuck in my head? Perhaps it’s the start of a poem.
Or maybe I could use the time to journal, to work through some of the internal conflict, to heal old wounds and let go of some of my fear.
Maybe it would be best to organise stuff for work. Goodness knows I could use an EFTPOS service, and so many doctors are waiting to hear back from me but I don’t have a means of faxing them just yet.
I could read one of those many books on my shelves that I’ve bought with the intention of developing myself and my knowledge in counselling?
Or I could read news articles, get political and look at opportunities to volunteer with the causes I’m passionate about.
There’s also those friends who have messaged me and am waiting to hear back about some fairly important stuff that’s going on for them.
Then again maybe I could spend the time investing in my relationship, become closer to Beth and strengthening the bonds between us.
Or I could practice tea ceremony, and try and refresh myself on chabako before our next lesson. The time with Sensei is precious now, and I want to learn what I can without her so that I can make the most of my time with her. (Not to mention that I’m borrowing her tea box while she’s in Tokyo, and I feel unworthy of it unless I appreciate it more.)
I guess I could use the time to clean; the dust bunnies are quickly becoming the dominant inhabitants of the house that we’re sharing with them. And I did promise myself I’d start weeding a few times a week, and that was months ago.
Speaking of months ago, I’ve loaned the piano to my brother more times than I’ve played it since moving house. Isn’t it worth regaining my old skill and creating beautiful music?

All these things ran through my head, and when I got home I didn’t do any of them. I helped Beth run some errands I promised we’d do together, and then by the time I got home I was completely out of spoons and needed to crash. And that was so fricking frustrating.

I’m reminded that life is even harder for Beth, because even on a bad day I generally have more spoons than her. But there are so many things I care about, so much I want to do, and it bothers me greatly that I must let so many of them slide. Sometimes I feel like a Sim, watching all of my need-meters decaying over time, and as I desperately top up something in the red, a bunch more slide into yellow. And I look at people who work full time, and study, and have kids all at once, and… I just can’t comprehend it. Most days I feel overwhelmed with the few responsibilities I currently have. Maybe I’m just not built for the 40 hour work week.

I also want to acknowledge that I am not the only person alive who has encountered this experience. If anyone has any advice, I’d definitely be open to hearing it!

One thought on “An Excess of Spoons

  1. […] do so much every day, most of it “productive” by some measure, and yet there’s so much more that I wish I could do that I don’t seem to get around to. Sometimes it takes me days to […]

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