Life in General

Jebus: Never in all my life have I received a comment like yours. Although your desire to remain anonymous perplexes me, I thank you deeply for your words, advice and camaraderie. I guess the inscrutability of who might have said such honest, and yet not unkind words just strengthens their truth, because there’s no one to acknowledge. So, Jebus the Anonymous, I’d like to thank you.

Yeah, I’ve been having a bitch of a time. I don’t really know why, I don’t think I’ve had an excuse. Struck by inertia, depression and stolidity (that is, not doing anything, and not caring about it. Apathy, I suppose you could say), these past few days haven’t been my greatest. I always seem to revert to the negative, too. Yet, today, when I woke up in the morning I felt a little better. Not good enough to smile, but not like my existence and talents (or lackthereof) were worthless. Over the day, I had ups, and downs, but eventually I realised there was absolutely no point in having downs. Why would I want to be depressed, and see everything in a bad light? What purpose does that serve?

"1407.
Nobody likes being a negative Nancy, and now that I’m in a good mood again, I see no reason to depress myself, but rather, to live, work and play. Life shouldn’t be spent gloomily. Although I may be in need of training, every master starts somewhere. I learned the important lessons of patience and discipline, and it is only through these and my own rigorous determination that I will achieve strength and speed. My trial begins."

In particular, that refers to my recent Taekwondo efforts. I guess I could say that’s where everything went downhill- Monday afternoon. I’d been increasingly arrogant in class, trying to pull off fancy moves, trying to kick higher than I was able, trying to keep fluent and fast at the same time. I’m not ready to be a blackbelt yet. Three, maybe even four different people told me to control myself. And they were right- I’d completely lost it, and if we were fighting properly, they would have taken control (which I lacked) and put me in my place. They did, on a number of occassions. I’ve never been kicked so much- even by that other whitebelt, who apologised by told me to curb myself. After that, I felt like the lowest of the lows- it was humiliating, and I didn’t want to rant about it. But in reflection, it wasn’t a lesson to try harder to hurry up- to jump on the fastlane and kick some ass. It was a lesson to slow down, and I won’t bore you by my own endless thoughts, but I’m slowly learning to discipline myself. Pride, reputation and arrogance aside, I’m not completely pathetic afterall. It’s just important that I don’t forget my place at the back of the class.

That said, I have something very special to show you. It was given to me today, and I consider it an acknowledgement of worth. Upon receiving it, I felt replete with gratitude, and very humbled by the honour of its presentation. And while you may not think it’s a big deal, this is the biggest deal in the world to me. Below is permission to attend my first grading, in two and a half weeks time. I’m fond of my white belt, but I will have little remorse in shedding it for a more… chromatic cincture.

Love.

~Xin