This morning I was reading a blog post by Bethwyn which was a collaboration of wonderful things said by wonderful people. As I was reading some of the articles and watching the videos, I felt a lot of things. I realised that even though I’m unemployed, I’ve been keeping myself super busy so that I didn’t have to look at how terrifying it is to not have a job, to not feel purposeful and helpful to others. And I’m sure there’s a whole blog post on that topic, but I’m not going to talk about it right now. I realised that in spite of how scared I am about “not doing things”, if I actually take the time to “not do things” I really enjoy it. I really enjoy driving without listening to Hamish and Andy, to see the sky and feel the wind, to see the peacocks (I SAW A PEACOCK YESTERDAY. I did a U-turn to go back and stare at it, and I parked across the road while I contemplated calling the ranger. It wandered back through a fence on an apparently empty property and I decided that someone else could deal with the joyful surprise of a peacock in their back yard). I really enjoy not playing video games so that I can sit down and drink tea, and play with Bronte, and write blog posts and go through two weeks worth of emails which I’ve been procrastinating. I really enjoy not spending time with others so that I can spend more time with Beth, and myself. These are the things which I’ve become addicted to lately in order to mask how crappy I’ve been feeling. But ironically, when I stop trying to mask it, I realise I don’t feel crappy at all.
That said, I still really, really love playing Fallout. There are times when I use video games (and other leisures) as a distraction, and there are times when they are soul nourishing. It’s not always easy to tell sometimes, but I think it’s important to stop every now and then and go, “Am I doing this out of habit? Or am I doing this because I genuinely want to?” And if it turns out to be the former, to change something (the activity, the attitude, the people etc.) so that it becomes the latter.
I’m also inspired to talk a little more about some of the things that we (as a society) tend to pretend don’t exist. I want to talk about things that I’m ashamed of, and things I’m insecure about. I find that really, really hard. But I hope that if more people open up about their insecurities and shames, then it will allow other people to as well.
I feel insecure about my hair. If you don’t know, I’m trying to grow it into a sweet ponytail. I really love the feel and look of long hair, but I think that people judge me by it, and when I’m feeling very vulnerable I often want to cut it all off.
I’m too scared to be myself, to stand up and challenge others for what I want. I give in so easily to avoid conflict.
I put myself before others and often don’t consider how they are or how they’re feeling.
I often avoid social situations that would allow people to get to know me.
I still feel scared around Aboriginal Australians who meet my stereotypes, even though they’ve done nothing wrong.
This has been a poorly written blog post but I’m going to publish it anyway, because it segues into another blog that I’m a little bit scared to write… If this blog has been helpful to you, I’m very glad.