You know, for a long time I claimed that going to sleep was a perfect way of “hitting the reset button“. That is to say, no matter how stressed or depressed or awful you were feeling, if you went to sleep you’d wake up feeling better (at least for a little while). For those few minutes before you opened your eyes and got up, you’d be feeling neutral and have the capacity to choose to be happy rather than being stuck in your cycle of unhappiness.
I rescind that belief. The past two weeks or so I’ve woken up feeling anxious even before my eyes have opened. Almost every morning I have felt a surge of mild panic wash over me as I consider going to work. And every morning I have made myself get up and have taken pleasure in little things. I will smile at the thought of having delicious cereal for breakfast. I will be comforted by the thought of hot coffee or tea while I write lines. I will feel a flush of joy at the thought of feeding Lyota the floating pellets he once rejected and watching him attack them ferociously and chewing them audibly. I will grin at the thought of having Hamish and Andy for companions on the drive to work (I downloaded their app and bought a year’s subscription so that I have unlimited access to every podcast they’ve ever uploaded. I’ve been working my way from 2007 to the present, because pre-2007 was a bit rubbish). And slowly, bit by bit, I let go of my anxiety and choose to appreciate the little things in the day.
It’s not easy. It’s so convenient, even tempting, to just curl up into a big ball and give up on the day. But we make choices at every moment to either enjoy what we have, or to not enjoy what we don’t have, you know? I’ve also started saying “I create my day” when I wake up, and in saying so, it gives me a very distinct choice: I can choose to do be happy, or I can choose not to be. And that’s a very empowering, and terrifying realisation to come to.
Peace and joy everyone, and all those good things.