You know, it’s been a couple of months since I’ve felt like this. And that’s hard. I had forgotten how crippled, incapable and incompetent I could feel. I find it so overwhelmingly hard to think about doing things. About doing practically anything. I have just about enough motivation to drag myself to my DS or this computer and play Pokémon or watch Zombieland. But I find it ridiculous to imagine having the drive to do more than that, say, work a job or get a cup of tea. They seem equally, absurdly difficult right now. And I have to wonder. When just about every minute is a draining struggle to look after myself in basic ways, how can I possibly live a “normal life”?
I don’t really know why I posted this. I guess it was such a surprise after so long- I really did think it would be all uphill. Seeing the psych was going amazingly as she revolutionised my views on life; I had finished the Daodejing and had achieved a sense of perspective and acceptance of the nature of being; I have holidays upon holidays and a source of income that’s dependent on looking for ten jobs a week (almost all of which I never hear back from)… This feeling of ineptitude is somewhat out of the blue. And I suppose that’s fitting, because I think it’s partially (largely?) due to the overwhelmingly depressing cloud cover that’s making it hard to care about life.
So there you go. My first negative post in ages.