I don’t really know what purpose I hope to achieve by writing this blog entry, but I’ve just got a lot on my mind and some of it is spilling out. Here is as good as place as any for the spill to fall.
I spoke to my Mum yesterday and she was under the impression I’d be returning to study next semester. Fair assumption. She pointed out four months holiday, going to two countries (apparently we’re going to China for Chinese New Year- that should be exciting, but I’m really not feeling excited. Just a little sick at the extra expense- more on that in a minute) should be holiday enough, and that I should just get my degree over with so I can start studying. It actually makes a lot of sense, but I’m just not feeling enthused about it. I wanted to take time off to heal, to explore myself, to get to know the world, but I just can’t do any of that when I’m worried about how I’ll have enough money to survive.
That’s what’s really bothering me. Money. It always seems to come down to numbers in a bank account, bits of plastic and metal. I once read that few people kill themselves for love, but many kill themselves for money. And it shouldn’t stress me- I currently don’t have any debts, and I have a small supply of money as a buffer for impecuniousness. But I sat down and did an estimated budget over the coming months, and I’ll run out in 2-4 months. So, my envisioned holiday in the sun, playing games, reading books, meditating, is unsupportable. That’s what it comes down to. I can’t afford to live during my time off, and this is very stressful to me. I know I’m worrying about the future, and I’m by far not the only person in the world to be experiencing stress about this sort of issue, but it’s driving me crazy. It’s been all I can think about since yesterday when I had that conversation. I know that in the future, after my holidays, I can get a job. And that if I move into the Hero Base, or if my Mum retires, I’ll be eligible for welfare payments (whether I’m studying or looking for work). So the chances are, circumstances will change which will present an avenue that will prevent me from starving to death. But it’s still pretty upsetting to know, ceteris paribus, that I’m going to run out of financial resources in the near future.
I should probably stop projecting about an uncertain future. I should stop catastrophising- I’m not actually going to perish from starvation in four months time. I should stop… what’s it called, the faulty belief system where you put things in black or white. It’s not a matter of “get a job or starve”. But my circumstances are still unchanged regardless of how I see them, and it appears to me that I’m not going to be able to enjoy unemployment. And I’m okay with that, because I’d rather live.
So. First things first. De-stress. Then, use that calmness to study. Start and finish assignment for submission by tomorrow, buy present, go to dinner (expense!!), train, meet housemate, go to party late, possibly go to uni to study…. Bah, stop projecting, too many variables. Take it one present moment at a time. Laters.