Lost and meaningless

What’s happening to me?

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I had nightmares of different kind of catastrophes playing out one after the other. As soon as a bus had crashed into a tree, the child I was babysitting got burned due to my first aid inexperience, only to be followed by a whirlpool opening up in Jack’s living room and attempting to swallow up his family. Disaster after disaster exhausted me, and all I could think of was finding a way to call my boss in my dream and tell her I needed a few more hours sleep before coming in late to work due to my catastrophic day.

I’ve been asking some pretty frustrating questions lately. Is this really what I want from life? Working at PICYS is actually my dream job, combining emergency relief, accommodation, life skills, youth work, counselling, drug and alcohol, mental health and non-governmental office work. So why does it stress me out so much?

I was contemplating why it doesn’t satisfy me as a life purpose. I don’t know what to do. I crave for my simpler job at Coles where I knew exactly what I had to do (fill shelves) and what would happen if I didn’t so it (customers couldn’t buy products). I have a nearly identical job at the library, so why don’t I want to do that? I think something about Jude is stressing me out.
So perhaps then I can go back to my roots and pursue something that has always given me pleasure. I could become a Shaolin monk and train for ten hours a day. But what would I be training for? A perfect body and a still mind, but no purpose for either of them? Perhaps the army? But I don’t want to kill strangers because other people tell me to. It goes against everything I’ve ever believed in, and Ajahn Brahm wouldn’t be very proud of me. Perhaps a Buddhist monk then? But I don’t think I could live without Bethwyn…

WHAT DO I WANT?!?!

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One thought on “Lost and meaningless

  1. Bethwyn says:

    Hey babe,
    You’re sounding pretty stressed in this post. I’m sorry. I did realise that you were stressed, but I didn’t realise just how much.

    Your dreams definitely sound like you’re being overwhelmed by everything that’s going on – and I’m not much of a dream interpreter. You don’t have to do everything. You don’t. I know it’s not that easy right now, but you can back off of everything if you want to. You definitely sound like you need some you time.

    Perhaps you could go back to see Jack at uni? I think he could help you out, even if it’s just by listening to everything that’s going on. And I’d be happy to talk to you about any of this or to point you in the direction of some articles that have helped me through similar problems.

    I love you, and I want you to be HAPPY in what you’re doing. So let me help. <3

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