The past few days I’ve been a little frustrated. After an incredibly wonderful holiday in Margaret River (most likely more on that later), returning home has left me with a kind of anxiety and frustration which I can’t quite pin down. Spending time with Bethwyn doesn’t relax me. Training doesn’t really relax me. Gaming mostly relaxes me, but only temporarily as I become completely absorbed into another world. But under all that is a rather large knot of anxiety which I can’t explain.
I was talking to Ju tonight when she requested a massage after training had finished. We got talking, and after a few seconds, she suggested that perhaps I’m uncomfortable with not doing anything. And just like that, I knew she was right. My filling up my schedule is a kind of desperate attempt to not leave any gaps, to always have something to do. And it’s stupid and painful and unnecessary. I was so happy not having anything to do on holidays, but coming back to my busy life here has made things progressively worse. I have to find a way of doing less, so as a start, I’ve resolved to meditate every day. Although it’s yet another activity to slot into my day, it’s “doing nothing”, (which is a paradox). It is practicing being rather than doing, and I think Ju was very wise to suggest this to me.
She also gave me the much needed reminder that sometimes our problems are external of ourselves. They aren’t necessarily because there is something wrong with us. Or even with those around us, who we might be tempted to blame. Sometimes, because of the culture we live in and the way we’re educated, it’s society who has a problem with us being ourselves. Although looking after Bethwyn has been a source of frustration for me lately, it’s not her fault, and I’m grateful to say, it’s not entirely my fault either. It shouldn’t be my job alone to take care of her- if society were more accepting and understanding, and there were many other people who could look after her while I had other things to do, I wouldn’t feel so bad about not taking care of her while she’s uncomfortable. As it stands though, I’m one of the very few people she can ask to look after her when she’s not feeling well, so the burden is almost solely mine. I still shouldn’t get frustrated about it, but it’s relieving to know it might not just be all my fault.
Bedtime now. So very tired. Should really stop doing things :)