Generativity vs. stagnation

This past week or so something’s been bothering me. I’ve been in a state of perpetual irritation and restlessness and it drove me somewhat crazy as I searched my subconscious for what was plaguing me. I realised what it was yesterday: generativity. Erikson’s theory of development suggests that middle-aged adults need to generate, to seeks satisfaction through productivity in career, family, and civic interests, or face stagnation. I’m either one step ahead of the block or experiencing something akin to a mid-life struggle.

In short, I feel as if I’m not doing anything meaningful with my time. This sentence is thrown around a lot, and I’ve seen its symptoms in misers, who are rich but miserable, and in many of my friends who are facing the choices regarding what they want to do for the rest of their adult life.

I can’t think at the moment because my parents are fighting, but I just wanted to acknowledge what I’m going through. My plan, at the moment, is to go through all the prospecti and undergraduate guides I have, check out the job list and see if anything strikes me as vocational. Meanwhile, I’ll resume Taekwondo and a variety of other martial arts available in case my calling is to drop everything in this life and move to Japan to live as a warrior. But I’m not planning to set any goals just yet. I’m not going to say, By 7 o’clock tonight I’ll know what I’m doing for the next thirty years. As much as I hate stagnation (that is, sitting around without a goal, without trying to accomplish anything), I will not pretend I have any idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. So, like a good RPG I’m just going to hoard skill and attribution points until I know which skills I want to max out, and which attributes will result in the best damage. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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