Soulless

It’s been a frustrating day at work. Rather less eloquently than my last attempt at a post, I’ll just say this much.

I would like my superiors more if:
a) They weren’t so rude to me and treated me as a ‘team member’ as they’ve started calling us (as of today, actually).
b) They weren’t driven by the desire to sell things for profit at the expense of labourers (or team members) such as myself.
c) They acknowledged how hard I worked.

I would like my job more if:
a) I wasn’t expected to do as much work as people who are getting paid approximately five times as much as me.
b) I was allowed to do my job at my own pace, to enjoy it and derive from it the simple pleasure that comes from creation/restoration.

Today there were some teenagers in the store that looked that they were looking for trouble. And they looked right at me for a moment, and while I prepared for a possible thrashing (I didn’t have the strength nor will to fight today), all I could think about what how Michelle might tell me off for not working enough cages. When you fear your boss more than bodily harm, there is something wrong with your boss (or possibly you).

Something else I’ve noticed is that I’ve started walking faster. I don’t have time to waste idling. Even walking to the car or going for a break, I do it quickly so as to enjoy as much time as possible. This is not what Buddha taught. This is not daring to stop and smell the roses. This is life, working a job you hate so you can sustain the pattern of exhaustion and mindlessness.

I do not think I could work every day. I wouldn’t be able to suppress the anguish and would likely stop working altogether for a while.  It would be nice to have enough money to become self-sustaining, but I could go without it if needed. I take some comfort from the fact that if it ever gets too much I can just stop working and live life at my own pace, as a monk, as a hobo or as a martial artist. I hope it doesn’t come to that, that I’ll find a job that I enjoy and allows me to live reasonably comfortably, but at least I have somewhere to go.

Alas. By writing this blog entry (and trying to eat lunch at the same time), it seems I haven’t enough time to watch that episode of Cardcaptor Sakura I was looking forward to. I guess I’ll finish eating and head back over.

I’m not a bad person. And I don’t want to harden myself, to allow hatred or anger or negativity to reside within me. I want to be a harbour of peace, love and kindness. But it’s hard, at Coles, when almost everything I love about myself is disallowed in favour for filling an extra carton of coke.

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4 thoughts on “Soulless

  1. Bethwyn says:

    Baby, if this is killing you that much, perhaps you should quit? Nothing is worth this anguish.I love you.

  2. Yi Qian says:

    John, GAMBATEH NE !!! gambateh for everything~~*Merry Christmas & Happy New Year !!! hope everything is going better next year* ^^ qian 24/12 01:03am

  3. Coco says:

    Fucking THIS. This is the reason I don’t have a job. I’m hoping that was just the full time blues and that it won’t be so bad if I work part time.. but I’m not so sure.

  4. Derrick says:

    Dude. I’m in the bloody army. I haven’t had a full day of rest since the eighth this month.WELCOME TO CAPITALISM, YOUNG FRY! ENJOY YOUR STAY AND DON’T TOUCH STUFF YOU MIGHT BREAK

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