I woke up this morning, as I often do. For the first time in perhaps two or three weeks, it was my alarm that woke me, and I daresay I’ve become somewhat undisciplined since the holidays started. Silencing that noisy pinprick into the deep comfort of my bed it took me another few minutes to force myself up. I realised around then that my throat had possibly worsened rather than improved and after metaphorically pacing for half an hour, I decided not to go to the Edmund Rice Camp for Kids Christmas party. The little tykes, bless their hearts, will have to party on without me. So, reluctantly, I crawled back into bed and pretended I was asleep.
Realising I wasn’t fooling anyone, I crawled back out and stumbled around swearing wildly for a bit. Since then, I’ve occupied myself with either reading, gaming, or mindlessly browsing the internet (most of which was done in my pyjamas). While I might once have considered this the ideal day, it bores me to the soul. Yes, I’m getting some gaming done, and yes I’m getting some reading done, and yes I’m reading that person’s blog or writing about this issue on that site, but… Is that really what life is all about?
I was thinking today that the only reason I could tolerate spending a day like this is because I lack the energy to do anything else with it. I do fear sometimes that my future will be empty. I still doubt whether social work is what I want to do, but assuming I end up as a social worker, it would mean working full time. And in my hours of non-work, I would likely clean, sleep and read. And that’s thirty years of my life with a spice of variation here and there, but essentially, I would work until I could afford to retire, and then… go back to reading, gaming and browsing the internet all day for the rest of my life? While sometimes I think I would very much enjoy a life of staying at home, eating junkfood and playing Fallout 3 or something, it really isn’t all life has to offer. And that worries me- is there some more purposeful way I can spend my time? I think I fear I’m wasting my life.
To be honest, when I got home yesterday, the long-awaited holiday over, I took one look at my calender and struggled not to break down. A month of blank days with barely anything organised. Somehow, I would have to find a way to spend the time. And reading, gaming and surfing is all jolly good sport and whatnot, but it really isn’t very fulfilling when you look back on the day and consider all the accomplishments you’ve made. So, I suppose, I need to find more regular work (to keep the devil from giving me something) or a hobby which can actually take up most of my conscious hours.
In other news, I’m thinking of learning another language or two. At the moment, Japanese has become less appealing because of its vast complexity. Spanish has a nice accent- maybe I’ll try my hand at that? Or something much more practical, like Mandarin. We’ll see in time.
So, for the moment, it seems like I’ll have to spend my time gaming and suchlike, seeing Bethwyn every now and then, and… well… if anyone can help me fill in the blank it would be much appreciated.
Perhaps just a little disconcertedly,