?

So here I am. It’s 2355hrs, I just came home from Speech Night, and I don’t feel like sleeping. This entry probably isn’t going anywhere, and given my current state of mind it might be better not to bother. Nonetheless, starved for any kind of update, I’ll just write for a little while and see what becomes of it.

My hands seem somewhat disconnected from my body. My typing is slow, even, paced. My hands barely move, my fingers just shift to hit the keys. I can’t remember how long ago I started touch typing.

There’s a moth throwing itself at the light globe. It just won’t stop. I turn off the light. It rests, apparently quite contentedly, on the warm globe while I bask in the healthy white glow of my monitor.

Speech night was incredible for the first, and last time of my life. It actually meant something to me tonight. And when the prefects were announced, I was… the words, "We now hand it over to you and your team of prefects to lead the school"… That was strange for me. At that moment, I realised that we were no longer the important ones- our future was beyond the college and someone else had to step up to take our places. The prefects of 2008 are a fine bunch, and I see in Josh (Head Boy 08) what I saw in Nick Barbas (HB 07), and I do not doubt he will lead a strong year group to some triumphant glory.

Tomorrow, excuse me, today, is the last day of school. That’s an interesting thought. Five years of the place, I’ve hated and loved it alternately. Stupid emotions. Mostly hated though, so I can’t say I’ll miss the place. There are a handful of students that I will wonder about, but the rest of them are beyond my empathy- at least for now. I hope they all have good lives and stuff. Tomorrow, excuse me, today, should be spent doing something special. A bang to finish off the year- and the previous four. But I just don’t know what. I don’t really care much, but to finish with a bang is what John Watson always loved. Yeah, one last show for Watto.

I’m ruining lives. Is that true? Yes, and no. I do good things, but I do wicked things also. I can be such a bastard. For instance, Mum hugged me good night and told me that she loved me. I responded, "Do you? Thank you" and continued to watch my little flash movie on newgrounds about somebody being blown to pieces by an angry blonde chick. Didn’t even look at her. Didn’t get out of the car, either, and when I did, it was to look at the full moon pierce the silver clouds. There’s an orange glow on the horizon which is strange, but not unpleasant. I’m so mopey, so emotional. Stupid emotions. I don’t need you anyway. Go star trek, or whatever.

I can never hurt someone. I learn Taekwondo, but I can never apply it with the intent of hurting someone. I cannot imagine a scenario where I would consider it justified to hit a person. If they beat the shit out of, say, Mum, then… I’d call police and stand around to protect her. And should someone try and attack Mum while I’m protecting her, I’ll keep them away as best I can without actually fighting. At least, I say that now, but whose to say I won’t be swept with passionate rage and try and kill the assailant? Once again, it is emotion that foils me.

I’m so hungry. But I can’t eat, because you don’t sleep well on a full stomach. And sleep is important, especially as I’m depriving myself of it. Yes, I’m hungry.

Nick and Joe got very into fighting me today. I humoured them because it was something more structured, something I’m used to, where good technique can be applied with varying degrees of effect. In other words, I could control exactly how much I hurt them. Wrist locks and arm bars and stuff- lots of fun. I applied like four different ones to Joe, and it was recorded on a phone or two. I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed that, but I keep replaying it in my head. He steps forward and shoves me with both hands. I step back and deflect his arms. He steps again, and again, and finally I grab his arm and try and put a lock on. He waits patiently until I get it, and then suddenly he drops to his knees with the suddenness of the pain. I change the lock into an armbar and bring him to the floor. I change it back to a hyperextension, then I change it again and again… The movie starts again. He steps forward and shoves. I step back. He advances and I knee him, spin around behind and bring his legs out from under him with a clean sweep and a throat strike. I blah blah blah. Such a violent child, imagining and re-imagining all the ways I could have done it. And yet, I never would. All those knees, elbows, kicks, ridgehands, probably punches and stuff… I’d never really use them, no matter how good I am. And yet, I have the confidence that I could beat any and all of them, certainly one on one if not… neermind. no one cares, least of all me.

I lost my phone today, by the way. My phone is by far my most treasured possession. It’s saved my life more than once, by being someone to talk to when there was no one who cared. And I lost it. I couldn’t contact my parents so I walked home- heh. A few phone calls later, I checked if anyone knew where my phone was- if the Concert Hall cleaners had found it or something. Nope. Damn. Called Telstra, barred my simcard from use. They offered me a new phone, for free. Sure, why not. Cool. Still, my old phone was priceless, and would never be replaced. A few hours later, Reuben Joseph said someone found it, and I later learned it was passed to Doc, who passed it to Tobes, who answered it when Eugene called. Thus it was returned to me, and all is well in the kingdom once again.

Wow. What a waste of 37 minutes. I hope you didn’t spend that long reading this. Cheerio then.

PS. Crawled into a cupboard at school yesterday. There was just enough room to stand, or to sit if I hugged my knees. I was going to hide there from recess till some time during the next period, then casually walk out in the middle of someone’s class. What would they do, expel me? Seemed like a good idea at the time, but when I tried, I realised that I really couldn’t be bothered so I got out. Turned around and looked down, there was a spider an inch big sitting in the corner with me. Damn, that sucked.

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2 thoughts on “?

  1. Bethwyn says:

    be happy and smile. it’s hard…the memories will always be there, though. even if they’re bad. however good or bad, that school has made an impression on you. as mine has done to me. there are so many people I will miss… and yet I am not as emotional as my friends. not in public anyway. I will return to MLSHS in a couple of years, to piss of those students with my random "i’m an ex-student" speech. I did send you a msg sometime yesterday…I apologise if it was at an inconvenient time.

  2. Coco says:

    SPIDERRRR. I hate spiders.. ;_;

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