Knives and forks

Am I eccentric like my brother?

It is without question that I’m downright weird at times. The things I appreciate, enjoy, respect… I stop and smell the roses- their fragrance is the most beautiful part of living. I prioritise, and often neglect the medium-long term in order to wallow in the glory of the short. I respect the horror genre, and Happy Tree Friends, and even to a twisted and despicable extent, murderers and even rapists, though I may hate them. I’m the most peculiar person I know. Case in point, last night on the spur of the moment, I helped a girl from PLC to her feet by offering her my hand. Additionally, I was kind of hovering over the shoulder of the French exchange student who’s name I know is impossible for me to properly pronounce, just clinging to the accent and romantic silkiness of his words. Damn I wish I had a French (or better yet, Spanish) accent. What a freak, no?

To cut straight to it, as the chorale lined up to walk on stage, Tom was being an idiot. The things he says like "Man, that was hell mad!" really bother me. He insults the English language- or perhaps he just uses it in a different way. Regardless, two minutes before a performance, standing within ear’s reach of the audience, was… for want of a better word, unprofessional. So, I did what I believed Leonard/Desmond would have done, and what Doc expected me to do. I told Tom to be quiet, although the words I used were thus:
"Tom, a gentle hush," I implored, raising my hand to quiet him. He stared at me for a few seconds, then loudly asked
"Are you gay?"
Everyone laughed.

I felt anger spark, and then suddenly a terrible cold. I turned away muttering something about stupidity. Yes, Tom is stupid (or at least acting so), and it’s more than I can bear. Why do these people have to be so… so… themselves? Trinity College seems to be the breeding ground for prejudice, but I suppose we’re better than most schools. But really people, am I so different?

I don’t think I have a place in Trinity. I never have, really, these four and a half years. Why start now with only some 8-9 weeks left?


2 thoughts on “Knives and forks

  1. Liam, Baron of Hoskuldstadir says:

    (Please imagine me saying this in a very small voice) I’ve always wondered if my day-to-day vernacular offends you; i’ve been  known to say things like ‘hell mad’ and ‘fuck’ and ‘cunt’ and ‘zomfg’ which obviously do no justice to my actual vocabulary. In my defence I must state that my reason for doing so lies in a compulsive need to (and it’s very egotistical of me to say this)…. lower myself for other people(?). But trust me, I’ve never liked it, and its indicative of nothing but weakness: if I were comfortable with how people perceived me I would say exactly what I wanted with however much grandilloquence I wished (which is why, I have to say, Dylan’s company is so relaxing for me (because I know he will understand whatever comes out of my mouth)). Anyway, don’t hate me for it: just be glad that you know the person behind the verbal diarrheoa (hopefully).
    More seriously. I spent Year 8 saying things like "a gentle hush" and getting called a faggot for it. Of course, they had every reason to call me a faggot: I have a high voice, effeminate mannerisms and a distinctly androgynous face. Basically, this is the message that came at me from all sides: Liam, you’re not supposed to use nice language and be a candyassed nancy boy, you’re supposed to be a rough-as-guts swearing dirty-joke-making misogynist 13-year old boy who actually believes the place of the woman is behind the ironing board or around a man’s weapon (pardon the crudeness but you see my point). So what did I do? I changed; I made dirty jokes, kept my voice low and pushed my innate sensitivity somewhere where it couldn’t be seen. It worked for me but now I’m an in-between creature, stuck in the greyspace between worlds and with masks i can’t take off. To be brutally honest, my entire identity is obscured by (or consists of) an ornate and meticulously detailed collection of masks, none of which reflect my true self but all of which have got me through high school. My life is a farcical pantomime of acts and performances: I am the actor who walks from one stage to another.
    I am also a less powerful, weaker and more psychologically ugly person than you, John. You have a dyanamism and energy that the world has forgotten and will not realise how much it has missed it until it comes to full bloom. Just remember that the features you think are weird today will be your weapons tomorrow. Idiots do not turn heads: original people do. In jobs, with people, in forums of ideas, you will benefit because you catch the eye and you think in a way that countervenes the grain of popular, derivative, and mundane human thought.
    This year isn’t a great one for feeling good. Give it your best shot and even if it doesn’t happen for you, know that nothing like this horrible, sickening year will ever be forced upon you again. Ever.

  2. Bethwyn says:

    To be honest, I can relate to being called homosexual. I have often been asked if I am a lesbian, as I am known to be very affectionate with both genders and, also, seem to have a more ‘tomboyish’ view of life. Yes, I am affectionate. Yes, I enjoy the odd video game and would probably prefer to wear jeans and a shirt than a skimpy dress with the layers of makeup to go with it. But how does that determine my sexuality? Also, is it really anyone’s business what my sexual orientation is?As you may not have realised, I have been trying to make a point. And that point is this: you shouldn’t change for other people’s expectations of what a ‘normal’ person might do. And, also, what is wrong with being eccentric? It certainly ensures that boredom rarely visits you. You can entertain yourself with your own thoughts. Oh, I’d love to have an accent. Quite a few people say that I sound English, but I mean, seriously, my parents are both English, so what do you expect? I do enjoy being different in that respect, though….My voice is naturally deeper than most girls. And it has a certain husky quality to it :)Finally, I wish you would stop worrying what everyone else thinks. I know that it’s rather hypocritical for me to say that, but really. I have improved upon my worry in that respect. I wear what I want, when I want. I go where I want – to whomever’s party I wish. I befriend whoever I find interesting and individual. My rambling may mean nothing to you…but I’m in the mood for saying those things =]In the way you speak of your school, I can notice similarities. Our school has fools, like yours. Perhaps not so many, but they still exist. Ignoring them is a hard journey, but it makes you a better person if you are able to get on with your life, even with them in it.Keep smiling, John-san.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s