A Diary Entry

According to my 2007 diary, this is the 210th day of the year. I have written on 182 pages of my diary thus far, and of those 28 days I didn’t fill, half of them can be accredited to being in Malaysia. For reasons I’ll let you decide, I’m now going to turn to a random entry and type it out for you. I hope it’s not an embarrassing one.

[Entry involved personal information about other people. Randomly selecting a second.]

Saturday 10th of February. 4:28pm.

Dear Diary,

All right, St Brigids College Ball recap. Keep in mind I got very little sleep, my memory is blurred and I may lose concentration halfway through a sentence. Overall though, the Ball had its good and bad points.

I spent a long time on the minor details, like cutting my toenails and shaving before I went to Amanda’s. I had even bought anti-pimple cream 3 days previous. Nah I’m too tired to write this now. I’m getting some sleep.

<Continued 6:28am>

Well that was a good 13 hour nap. Anyway, yeah, I spent so much time on the little preparations, but when I got there, none of it really mattered. Everyone looked so fantabulous that it didn’t really matter how you looked, except you wore a suit and had nice hair. Arriving at Amanda’s house, I did not impress the five parents that were there. Not much to say, no jokes to tell, no visible charm. Awkward, quiet, left out. Few nasty photos, lots of waiting time before the limo came.
"Not the greatest start. Three girls talking amongst themselves [about their dresses, hair and toenails], I trying to find somewhere to stand or something to talk about." Although once or twice they made room for me in their circle, I had NOTHING to say. Seriously, all they talked about was their dresses, hair and nails. That’s 90% of conversation, which leaves 10% for miscellaneous chatter for me to contribute to. In the limo, however, things improved because we were facing each other, and the conversation shifted to 40% miscellaneous chatter.

Everything was fine, dinner and photos and witty conversations. It was all going wonderfully. Until they asked me to dance. I almost did, when Ange (who made a surprise appearance at the Ball) and Elinor encouraged (dragged) (literally, by the way) me to the dancefloor. I stood there, feeling and looking horribly out of place. Stephen told me to sway. Matt (whom I had called for advice just before leaving) had told me to do the same thing, and I answered I’d decide when the time came. I was on the verge of swaying (stupidly so, perhaps), when Angela led me off to a table or outside. What is my tremendous inaptitude at dancing? Why does the loud, blaring music not entertain me? I love club music, and can visualise either myself or people moving to it, but the movements are closer to fighting than dancing. The awkwardness of "dancing moves" is unimaginably unbearable. So I did not dance. I didn’t even try, knowing I should have. As Stephen pointed out, It was something to do, regardless of how entertaining it was. Like a table, but less conversation and more movement. I took great comfort (and shame, I think), in justifying my actions by imagining what Jack would do, or what he’d say if he saw me swaying. I guess I’ll never know if I like dancing or not, but it is an art I respect.

Things picked up after that. Photos, talking, few speeches. Anything to pass the time. Better than a lot of the social’s I’ve been to, because I had Angela. Though the bass was set to ‘overkill’, and my ears heard so little, I tried a voice recording where I spoke normally into my phone, and it picked up about half a word. So, Angela and I turned my phone into our means of communication. I would type out a text and give it to her, she’d turn off dictionary and write a reply. I saved some of the messages. Although I don’t remember what was said before hand, I’m sure it was flirting, because at some point in time (after we hugged- I demanded one) she kissed my cheek. I could feel the lipstick there, though fortunately there was no stain. Megan would not have appreciate that. In fact, I don’t think anyone would have. I spent so little time with Megan that night. While everyone danced, Angela walked around with me, and we flirted here and there. I thought maybe she did like me after all.

However, the next day she sent me a text reading:
"Good morning, if ur awake dat is. i do hope u didn’t c anyting untoward with my actions last nite. i told u early on not to mind me, I was in my socialising personality… Major flirting *blush* and u weren’t helping. i hope u ahem, enjoyed your aftr party?"

No, not really Ange. In fact, it was the, or one of the word nights of my life. Adele hosted a few games, and there was music and all that. Stephen and I kinda sat together, and I decided to stop picking on him because we needed each other to survive the night. I’m such a bastard. In truth though, he could have survived fine without me. Drinking game. "I have never", or something to that effect. Say something starting with I have never, and everyone who has (including yourself if that’s the case) takes a drink.
-I have never been to a party before.
-I have never walked out of school during school hours.

We moved onto truth or dare. Adele received her first kiss and bubbled for hours. She was hysterical, almost in tears, and anywhere inbetween. Bless her. After that though, we played Spotlight, and that was bad. We went off to hide, and two people with torches had to find us. Emma, being lazy, hid in the undercroft and ducked behind some plants whenever she heard voices. I was her partner, and so hid with her, lying prostrate behind a low wall. She walked off, I stayed hidden. Don’t ask me why, but when Adele called "The game’s over!" I didn’t move an inch. I just lay there, and decided I wouldn’t move until someone came looking for me. I wondered if they’d all got worried, and pictured myself standing up when they all formed a search party and started searching the bushland. None such party came. As I lay there, I realised nobody was looking for me. If I had to get up, I’d go back under the pretence I’d been asleep. But I didn’t get up. I lay waiting, and recorded it all on my phone. If it weren’t for my phone last night, I may have died.

"Fuck. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying here, whether it’s been 15 minutes or 45. It doesn’t matter. My presence here is worthless. I’ve been noticed by three different groups of people. One of them said "Okay…" and walked off. Ellie called out my name twice, said "What did I tell you?" and walked off. Shortly after, the cat found me, inspected me for a bit, then promptly ignored me…. At this point, everyone moved to the granny flat. One of the guys said "For fuck’s sake, someone wake him up." The girls laughed and giggled and called each other over to Aww at me. One of the guys tapped me on the shoulder after I ignored their calls. All I was waiting for was someone to care. For fuck’s sake, I looked like a looney for no reason. Weakness. Pathetic John, and not a soul in this room cares. I was half waiting for an axe murderer to finish me off. What a pussy. John, even though you’re not tired, I think it’s time to sleep."

And it’s true. I thought I may as well sleep to pass the time, although at that particular moment I wasn’t tired. However, when Adele laid out my bed, two of the blokes made some comments about weakness. One of them "Could have said something racist." I didn’t care in the slightest- they had all shown me indifferent exclusion, even those I loved. Adele herself was having too good a time to care about me. I forgive her though. Anyway, I stayed awake, just because I couldn’t bear the shame of being the first to sleep. However two guys drove home around 4am. I wrote this as everyone was playing pool and I sat on a stool in the corner.

"I no longer want to be a male in this world, but being female would probably be worse. For all my athleticism, things that males find awesome, females are unimpressed. My ability to kill someone has no power here, because there’s no chance I’ll hurt anyone. Not even another male, because silly boys scuffle. I’m worthless as a person here, because I have no social charm. I’m just a loner. A pathetic loner."

That’s true. Things about my physical self that I have honed to pride are overlooked. Even unattractive people get along at parties more than me if everyone loves them for more than their appearance. I lack social abilities. I’m just awkward and completely helpless. Humour, wit, repartee, none of my skills. Wildflame would tell me to learn such skills. I wish I didn’t have to, but I know I’m going to anyway. Why can’t the world not force me to be cool and funny and awesome? Why can’t I be me, without being rejected for it? Yes, last night was bad.

It picked up though. I slept, despite the noise and music from 5:15 to about 6:15 and I felt fantastic. I fell asleep a few minutes later and woke up closer to seven feeling perfectly static with energy. I wrote about that, too.

"Now that I’ve had some sleep I feel fantastic. There is something about this place that electrifies, exhilarates and makes my heart race to stand in the fresh morning air. I went for a run. A run!"

It goes on for a bit, but in short, I felt at the peak of my athletic prowess. Pulled off some excellent jumps, could kick at head height and stretch far… I practiced Taekwondo for a bit before I thought I’d ask Emma. She’s got about 6-7 years more experience than me, even though she couldn’t floor me at Adventure World. Just a simple trip that I withstood before I vinga chievad her. Unfortunately, Emma had gone to bed so I couldn’t spar with her. At any rate, everyone else was tired, but I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Lethargy kicked in as the hours wore on and we just lounged on couches watching TV. Amanda’s house (parents unimpressed by my taciturny), home sweet home. Not much else to say. I need a break now anyway. I’ll write again later, but at least for now, I don’t think I’ll go to another afterparty, ever. Peace out.


3 thoughts on “A Diary Entry

  1. Lee says:

    If that is what St Brigid’s had to offer…. What can I say, I’m glad I moved. Though the after party at Forry was pretty dull. Great food but only two straight guys and we were all pretty beat. Me and Chrissy (one of the Forry girls) actually did fall asleep in the back room. One of the guys was from Mazenod though. It was funny because I just went… ‘You know… you and me have probably danced during year 10’ It was pretty freaky. I am sorry that you didn’t have a good night though. I understand what it’s like to feel the way that you did.

  2. Liam, Baron of Hoskuldstadir says:

    John, you are actually brilliant. You’re poetic, moving, and brilliant- a virtuoso of human emotion.
    But brilliant people suffer for being different, because there is a framework in place that priveleges people who fit into society’s hyperloved archetypes. In my head a visualise a lifetime of weird looks and raised eyebrows facing my way because I’m awkward, flat footed, loud, scatterbrained, gauche (socially maladroit), and not masculine. When you’re different there isn’t a scaffolding designed to help you- tv advertisements don’t affirm your character, posters hanging in shop windows parade an image you’re not delivering, and people don’t hide the fact that they can’t relate to the way you are.
    I said this to A. Her response was "Liam, let me ask you this; who the FUCK wants to be normal?" When you’re not typical, you’re not political fodder, you’re not cookie-cutter trash, your actions can’t be predicted- you exist on a radar that normal people can’t gauge. You went to a party and spent a night in the company of idiots- anyone who lives on higher ground would be affronted and saddened by the veritable army of mediocity that you seem to be faced with. Like anything, like curly hair, like being different: turn it into a weapon and make put yourself at the vanguard of transcendence.

  3. Coco says:

    Ohh the ball. Craig and I left ours before the dancing even got going. Out of there by around 9.30 I think.I said everything else I needed to through SMS. They always end up being 3 SMS’s worth when I send them to you XD

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