It’s not over yet.

I’ve done an arguably unhealthy amount of thinking this morning, and it seems that my brief stint of generosity was essentially superficial. At heart, I’m still an asshole. Let me try and explain this.

When I talked to Annaliese (is that how you spell her name?), the school counsellor for putting "moribund" as my reason for being late to school, I asked her a question. Which is more important: Duty or personal happiness? Her answer was the wisest I’d heard and brought a smile to my face. She told me she thought that you needed personal happiness to keep you going, and without it, you could not fulfill your duties.

Nice guys always come last. It’s a general, but not necessarily universal truth. However, for the most part, Azrael’s right. All you get from being a nice guy is the satisfaction of helping people. Once that was enough to keep me going, but recently, and even now, I can say that I’m tired of it. Being a jerk to everyone gave me such enormous levels of gratification. I didn’t have to put up with people I didn’t want to talk to, I didn’t waste money on phone calls and SMS’s, I could basically ignore anything I didn’t want to do, drawing as much satisfaction from my life as possible. I admit it is not a complete life, and it’s nowhere near being fully human, but it feels so damn good to be a complete asswipe to everybody.

Azrael’s logic, which I don’t entirely agree with, is that assholes can at least get something out of life. A nice guy is generally screwed over in the grand scheme of things, doomed to an existence of having girls complain about their love lives to him when he’s an available boyfriend option. That’s the Friend Zone™ for you, right there. Assholes on the other hand generally score a lot more and don’t end up in the Friend Zone™ as often.
I’m not particularly interested in scoring right now, but my logic is that if my duty is to be a nice person, then I need to be a dick to everyone to keep me going. Paradoxical, isn’t it? I don’t know, assholedom probably isn’t the way to be happy, but it’s a whole lot better than being a nice guy. Now I am faced with the conscious and moral decision: Do I put myself in front of others? I dearly long to say no.


4 thoughts on “It’s not over yet.

  1. Pat. says:

    The thing is, if you wish to be a dickhead to everyone, and please yourself, there’s soon going to be no-one left to piss off.
    A person who says "nice guys finish last" just isn’t trying hard enough, and is limited in being unable to envision a large scale peaceful worldview, instead of getting an immediate, abeilt fleeting, pick-me-up that only helps to destruct human communication.

  2. Coco says:

    Though I don’t completely disagree with the theory, it saddens me to hear somebody so dear turn to it.I fail at putting others first. My emotions are assholes in themselves.

  3. Liam, Baron of Hoskuldstadir says:

    But you’re innately good. (case in point: accompanying beth and i out of the cinema to jack’s house)
    Sometimes assholedom sets up camp in the minds of good people. It might take hold of you while you’re susceptible, run its course and then leave you alone. But it won’t last forever.
    Otherwise, I actually understand the feeling. Trying to keep smiling when human interaction is obviously irritating you is probably too difficult to do without coming across as an asshole anyway. I guess just let it burn out and then get it out of your system.

  4. Derrick says:

    well thats not really how it works. you see, society is made of classes. strata, if you will. nice guys finish at the bottom of their strata, assholes at the top. very rarely do they cross over. so if you happen to be a nice guy who inherits three billion dollars from your daddy, chances are you’ll still end up higher than an asshole who lives by beating people up in a third-world slum. however, an asshole who inherits three billion will surely own your honourable ass.
    any amount of thinking is unhealthy! it slowly destroys your will to live, possibly more than anything else. ever played "marathon", the old mac game, or "halo"? the A.I.s in the games go through this phase called rampancy, where they quite literally think themself to death. .
    if you would like a rough theory of the "nice guy" phenomenom in society, i would be very happy to discuss it with you.

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