When I talked to Annaliese (is that how you spell her name?), the school counsellor for putting "moribund" as my reason for being late to school, I asked her a question. Which is more important: Duty or personal happiness? Her answer was the wisest I’d heard and brought a smile to my face. She told me she thought that you needed personal happiness to keep you going, and without it, you could not fulfill your duties.
Nice guys always come last. It’s a general, but not necessarily universal truth. However, for the most part, Azrael’s right. All you get from being a nice guy is the satisfaction of helping people. Once that was enough to keep me going, but recently, and even now, I can say that I’m tired of it. Being a jerk to everyone gave me such enormous levels of gratification. I didn’t have to put up with people I didn’t want to talk to, I didn’t waste money on phone calls and SMS’s, I could basically ignore anything I didn’t want to do, drawing as much satisfaction from my life as possible. I admit it is not a complete life, and it’s nowhere near being fully human, but it feels so damn good to be a complete asswipe to everybody.
Azrael’s logic, which I don’t entirely agree with, is that assholes can at least get something out of life. A nice guy is generally screwed over in the grand scheme of things, doomed to an existence of having girls complain about their love lives to him when he’s an available boyfriend option. That’s the Friend Zone™ for you, right there. Assholes on the other hand generally score a lot more and don’t end up in the Friend Zone™ as often.
I’m not particularly interested in scoring right now, but my logic is that if my duty is to be a nice person, then I need to be a dick to everyone to keep me going. Paradoxical, isn’t it? I don’t know, assholedom probably isn’t the way to be happy, but it’s a whole lot better than being a nice guy. Now I am faced with the conscious and moral decision: Do I put myself in front of others? I dearly long to say no.