Amalgamation

Mm. I’ve been reading a few blogs. The authors of them write, and some of it’s intelligent, some of it’s fuelled by emotion, all of it’s honest. I’m not really a writer- I know big words, can’t really use them, I’m too prosy. Yet, these past few weeks I’ve been thinking very hard (too hard, as usual) about a lot of things. I’ll be completely honest, and accept all the slander, retribution and hatemail that may or may not follow this entry. Here are a few of the things that have been concerning me.

  • I have adapted my taste to suit most generic male interest. I much prefer an action movie over a romance. I’d rather play sports than read a book. I’m all self-obsessed with my physical appearance and reputation/impression. I used to care for none of these things (though I’d enjoy sports and action movies anyway), but somewhere along the line, I realised I was thinking like a generic male. To be honest, whilst I’m ‘friends’ with a lot of girls, and I can understand their emotions, motives and desires well enough, I just don’t care. I have reached that male attitude where if a girl is bawling, I might just wave it off and leave her to it, because hell, girls cry a lot about things not worth shedding tears over. Last year I would have carried that girl across lava to stop her pain. Have I become insensitive, or have I seen the light? Males sympathise with males. Females sympathise with females. I could say girls are often vindictive, emotional bitches that use their ‘submissive’ position in society to gain power. Males are more open about their power, and more gullible too. Anyway, before I go off about gender conventions, I seem to have become a standard male.
  • People really annoy me. I thought about this for a while, and decided if Mr Mueller can be a cynic, I can be too. And I’m no longer going to try and understand why people do certain things, I’m just going to consider them extremely stupid and be grumpy about their existence. Something that really, really annoys me are the things Trinity boys (and many other males) find amusing- calling things rank, discussing (gloating over) one night stands, swearing just because people don’t like it. The epitome of stupid is Daniel Mills- I say openly now that I loathe him, moreso for having a locker right above mine. He spits, and snorts and spits what he snorts, and swears and brags and God he’s such a dick. But anyway, yes, people annoy me. If you’ve noticed me staring at the ground and not talking, it’s probably because I’m thinking about how stupid people are and how I can’t believe I’m of their species. I say again- humankind irritates me, and most of the time I can’t stand being with people.
  • I have precious few friends. Jack tops the list. The rest of my friends, well some of them annoy me (for being human) and others I love. None of them really understand me, and I suspect most have given up trying.
  • I’m a weirdo. Yeah, I finally acknowledged it. I’m not just a little different, I’m full out queer (as in weird, not homosexual. I HATE it how words like queer, gay and gangbang are only used in derogatory sexual terms). Yes I’m weird, and yes I may end up being one of those whackos people avoid, and yes I might not care what people think as long as I’m doing the things that make me happy. Like standing on the balcony long after everyone’s gone home, just to feel the wind. Or taking the long way home, just because I like walking. My greatest fear is that people will just label me as eccentric or just crazy, and then leave it at that, not caring either way. Even if I’m not hated, I feel as if strangers will never love or know me.
  • No matter what I do, I won’t change the world. I’ve been thinking about that a fair bit, and I conclude that that’s bullshit. I can change things, I can inspire people, I can bring about revolutions and beget greatness. I’m just scared I’ll fail. People won’t listen to me. I’m scared of what they might say about me. I’m not a good leader, my voice is quiet, I cannot command. I can suggest, I can theorise, I can ponder, but I cannot do. That is my fatal flaw, and whilst I dream of making the world a better place, I don’t have the courage to try. The world changes as its people change- one person can do nothing, except inspire other people. When enough people have been inspired, that’s when something happens. But I work alone- I just do. My aids and sacrifices are mine alone, because I fear that people won’t care.
  • Am I doing anything with my life? Like seriously, when I leave school, am I going to go somewhere, or do something? Sure, I’ll try and get into uni and study something intelligent, but after that, is my life just going to be about doing my job and earning money? Once I get married and have kids, will there be anything else to look forward to? This is very poor mentality- life isn’t about looking to the future, it’s about living the present. But I can’t help but wonder if I’m living the present poorly, and if I lived it a little better, I might get further in the future.
  • I’m doing okay in Human Biology. It’s my goal to get the HB award this year. I thought I did well in the last test, but I got 85% instead of the 95+ I’d been hoping for. Am I conceited? Am I wrong to be dissatisfied? I study my ass off to do well, and I thought I nailed that test, but I didn’t. A few people are currently ranked above me in class. I cannot stand for this- am I still a failure after putting in that much study and effort? Damnit, if my efforts get me nowhere, it’s better not to try! At least, that’s what I’d like to think, but that’s the coward’s way out. That’s something Pete would have said when I knew him three years ago. No, I must persevere, and I must not be disheartened. Even after a crap day, you can still have a good night. I will keep faith, in Economics, Music and HB. Even Applic. At any rate, my marks aren’t looking so good- 65% average might be a C. I’m concerned that I might not be the genius I once considered myself to be.

I’m going to stop now. I’m looking for excuses, things to write about, things to be concerned with. That’s stupid. Imma gonna play some Star Wars now (nearly finished the game, then I can stop playing it). Don’t ever laugh at Star Wars in front of me, because in all seriousness, I believe in the philosophies of the Jedi- and the Force. Anyway, enough. I’ll be wise and go to. Peace, my beloved brethren.

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2 thoughts on “Amalgamation

  1. Liam, Baron of Hoskuldstadir says:

    You are a misanthrope, John. How standard you have become! You seem to be relenting it already, but take it from the most fervent gender pioneer you know (sarcastic laugh), forcibly aligning your interests with that of the gender you’re entrenched in is idiotic. Reprimanding yourself for being strange is idiotic. Reprimanding yourself for not having qualities you want is idiotic. I wouldn’t throw away originality to anaesthetise myself to everything that the world could try on me. I don’t think that if you were feeling your best, you would either.

  2. John says:

    Forcibly? Nay, instinctively. Somewhere along the line I just realised my tastes had changed, and were of likeness to your standard teenaged male. It seems so limiting. Anyway, does this mean you’re feeling your best?

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