I just said something very very evil. I said, and please
forgive me for this vulgarity,
“I fucking hate you.”
What’s worse is that it was directed at my brother, who
didn’t hear it.
makes me very upset. I would be angry if I weren’t so tired. I would seriously
be furious- throwing my phone at the wall, smashing plates sort of furious, but
I’m just so exhausted I don’t have the strength to do anything, and so my anger
bubbles and stews as a quiet malice.
He’s unreasonable. If I’ll take 2 minutes to finish
something on the computer, but he wants to play a game, he’ll reset the
computer if I don’t immediately agree to save whatever I’m doing and get off.
Do you know how fucking annoying that is?
And he blackmails. God, we just had another one of our
little talk sessions. The ones where he talks and I agree. If I disagree he
argues and he forces, he retaliates, he breaks his words. Eg. I’ll trash your
room, I’ll force you to watch this movie, I’ll hide Zelda, I’ll fucking ruin
your life because I’m your fucking brother and I hate you. Yeah thanks Eugene, I really
appreciate that man. But seriously, every time a scary movie hits the cinema, Eugene says, “We’re
watching that.” And he’ll argue and wear me down and blackmail and fucking ruin
my life until I watch it. And no one can control him. He’s a skilled
manipulator, and he’s smart, but he’s twisted. He’s seriously mentally
different because of traumas in his childhood. I’d hardly call them traumas,
but they’ve certainly taken a toll on him. How can he sleep at night knowing
that he hurts me so much? He doesn’t know I hate him, but sometimes I do. I
genuinely hate him with all my heart, and wish that he was gone. Not dead, just
gone. As if he never existed. As if I didn’t have to play Twilight Princess
against my will in a noisy house. But without him, I wouldn’t have a lot of the
things I love. Like Ivy- I’d never have met her if Eugene hadn’t told me about bored.com.
my life would suck. But with him, it’s good, until he intervenes and takes it
back, because he is God and he is infallible. Jesus Christ, I think I’d rather
die than continue to let him dominate me, but in all seriousness, he holds
everything that I love. He could just as easily rip open my locked drawer or he
could ask me for the key and force me to give it to him. The only reason I’m
alive is because of his good will. Does that sound like a normal fucking
relationship? I need help with this! Eugene
needs help with this! I can’t believe he can sleep at night, because I hate him
God damnit, I hate him. And it hurts me so much. And I cry for my hatred of
someone who I want to love so dearly. I stand up for him, I protect him, I love
him, but he throws that all back at me for what he wants. If he wants it, he
will spray people with shards of glass and then stomp on the bleeding wounds until
that person gives him what he wants. That’s what it’s like. If you cry, and you
ask him to stop, he will push harder until you surrender. Why? How can any
human do this? God damnit, where are you? What are you doing? Why aren’t you
protecting me from him? Where are you God?
No one can stand up to Eugene.
PS: I won the Super Smash Bros. tournament at Wai-Con (anime
convention) today. Prize was a trophy and $150 gift voucher at my favourite games store, Gametraders. I was very happy.
PPS: I’ll regret this entry in the morning, but I really
needed to write it so I wouldn’t take chunks out of the wall or anything.