The clear water’s surface…

Keep in mind that I am extraordinarily tired, and that I may not be making much sense. Unfortunately, this entry cannot wait until morning.

A lifetime of existence is not appealing to me. At least, not a lengthy one. Small, fleeting pleasures. Milestones to reach- first night of sex, married, children, own house… Things like that. Goals to accomplish. Yeah fair enough. After a while the milestones get smaller and smaller until you’re 80 years old and decide that it would be a nice day for bowling greens.

Okay, perhaps that was an exaggeration, but teenaged life is swell. Yeah, sure, I’m living it, I’m loving it. Not as much as some other people, like AJ (Jenkins), but he’s an asshole who I’ll talk about later. A life that lasts five times longer than the one I have lived so far does not sound appealing. It seems tiresome, repetative, not going anywhere. Stagnant. These are times when my views and beliefs of everything are rapidly changing, developing and maturing. One day, I will reach a stage where I am happy with my beliefs, and then… it just doesn’t seem like there’s a lot left. I’ll continue growing and ageing. I’ll be the sort of man I want to be (hopefully) and treat my kids well. Be a good father, husband, all that jazz. But then, once I have acquired the status of "good father/husband" and maintain this, what’s left? Just living for a while until my body stops working and then I die.

Perhaps I’m not old enough to understand, but a whole lifetime of like, 80 years seems really uneventful to me. I don’t want to be old, to look back on my life. It just doesn’t seem possible to imagine, thinking back sixty years ago to when I was a teenager. God, that would be awful. And I’d be able to think to when I was my son’s age, and how similar I was to him. And I’d think back to all those great moments in life and wonderful opportunities… I DO NOT want to think back on life. I’m not saying I want to die young, but darn, I don’t want to live forever either. It just seems to ordinary after a while.

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3 thoughts on “The clear water’s surface…

  1. Ivy says:

    Only if you think of it that way.
    Life is not really about happiness. It’s about contentment. And since everyone has different standards you can set your level of contentment.
     
    It’s nice to wallow in contentment. It’s not very exciting, it’s not really a milestone
    But it’s freakin nice. (:
     
    e.g. I could lie in my loved one’s arms forever.

  2. Alex says:

    I agree John, Aaron is a dickhead!

  3. Korelee says:

    If you think that you’re going to live your life that way, then that is where you are going.
     
    Or maybe you can be 80 years old, living life up and thinking ‘Hmmm maybe I’ll try sky diving today’
     
    Life is only what you make it. If you don’t want to be 80 years old, thinking about the past, then think about the future.

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