Okay, so I go to my local Safeway to pick up my usual gallon of iced
tea (good shit) and as soon as I cross the threshold to the door, my
eyes are assualted by more pink shit than a flamingo convention at
RuPaul’s house. A trip to Target yields the same. It must be that time
of year again.
This "holiday" is the most bullshit day on the calendar.
Regardless of whether or not you have someone. If you don’t, this day
only serves as a blinding reminder that you don’t. Even if you don’t
want a relationship, this day is trying to tell you otherwise. "Come to
the dark side." It whispers in your ear. "Better than Krispy Kremes."
The whole day only emphasizes all the "good" things about a
relationship, completely ignoring that most real relationships take a
good deal of committment, sometimes work, and aren’t always rosy. Oh,
and let’s not forget the monumental amount of effort it takes to even
get in a relationship. Please, let’s not forget that. In the end,
you’re left with a steaming, sugary pile of sappy shit that would give
even Willy Wonka cavities. And you just can’t escape it, not with pink
cards plastered over every grocery and drug store you go to, flower
bouquets everywhere, and Julia Roberts movies on TV (that alone should
be enough to outlaw this day).
If you do have someone, this is a fabricated day in which you
basically have to prove your love. How many of you committed guys are
already planning what you’re going to do for V-Day? Show of hands? All?
Yes, that’s about right. Of course you are. You can sit back and tell
your honey "you know I love you sweetie, but I don’t think we need a
Hallmark-manufactured day to prove that. Let’s stay at home and watch a
movie", and see how fast your ass lands on the couch tonight.
Even if both parties don’t particularly feel obligated to do
something, social pressure may demand otherwise. I’m sure no lady wants
to hear all her friends gabbing about the extravagant/expensive things
their boyfriends/husbands did for them, while the best she can do was a
night of Star Trek repeats on TNN. And the fellas may feel compelled to
keep up when they hear about all the plans their buddies are making for
their girls. I see it all the time, a guy has a nice, simple evening
planned, hears about his buddies plan to rent the fuckin’ Space Needle
for 3 hours, then feels compelled to upgrade.
Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, why is it usually the guys
springing for V-Day crap? Sure, the girls might get the guy something,
but if you see a couple out on That Non-Holiday eating at a fancy
restaurant, taking a horse-carried carriage ride through the park, or
jacking some guy’s ride (V-Day in the projects) you can bet it’s coming
out of the guy’s pocket (hey, guns/crowbars aren’t cheap nowadays).
Where’s the equality?
Whatever ass-over-head efforts you expel to get some on V-Day,
could have just as easily been gotten by bringing her a rose and a
cheezy compliment. Far less cheaper.
And it’s not even a birthday, or anniversary. It’s not even a
holiday. You don’t even get a day off anywhere. It’s just a cheesy day
which is "recognized" to be a day of love, and has somehow wormed it’s
way onto our calendars and datebooks. It’s silly.
I’d love to completely ignore this Non-Holiday, but you can’t.
Unless you hole yourself up in your room, shut the door, close the
blinds, and immerse yourself in a good book (…which doesn’t sound
like a bad idea think to come of it…) it’s everywhere. Turn on the TV
and there it is. Turn on the radio, there it is. Oh, and those annoying
high school-ish dedications…does that make anyone else want to reach
through the radio and beat their throats with pineapples? Go outside,
and there it is. It’s not like I can go into my Safeway and see Abraham
Lincoln plastered all over the aisles for Presidents Day. And hell, at
least you get the damned day off!
So you either do the bullshit V-Day activities, or you’re
forced to have a guys/girls night out, which is ultimately more cash
you’re spending, needlessly. Or you go to a party, which is really just
a desperate last attempt to get some tail in order to feel somewhat
loved. This is seriously the worst day of the year.
So I’m taking a stand against V-Day. If you plan on buying the
roses, the expensive dates, the jewelry, renting Michael Bolton for a
few hours (I hear he’s available), reserving your Mile High Club
tickets, or whatever, take that lovey shit somewhere else. I for one
will not buy into this bullshit day. So I ask you, the sane and
rational readers of this site, and hopefully the future leaders of
tomorrow, to join me in my crusade against Valentines Day.
Do it for the children.