Warrior or Coward?

Modesty, for the next five minutes, is not going to be something to hold me back.

I believe myself to be one of the top fighters at school. Despite the fact tha I haven’t fought anyone seriously since Year 7, when I lost the will to fight back halfway through (and resultantly, spent a few minutes getting kicked around. After I took one to the nuts, we ended up seeing a teacher or something. I forget). Despite that, I’m all talk, because that’s everything that’s fuelling me. People are genuinely scared of me because I can just about kick faster than they can block, but there’s nothing behind the kicks. I’m physically weak, but that doesn’t really matter when it comes to a genuine fight. A grapple, maybe, but not a fight.

I confronted Troy today. He was doing the Zultan thing off Dude, Where’s My Car, to represent Zin. I hunted him down with Jack and ran up to him while he was shooting some hoops. I jumped up and feigned a punch so that it just grazed his cheek. I could have easily left a welt if I wanted to.
"Oh just fuck off John!" he said immediately when I asked him why he was still spreading stuff about my name. Then something inside me went cold as I realised I was being an idiot.

All that fury, all that mindless anger at having someone mess around on my space… was it worth getting into a fight? Hell no. But I just wanted to fight anyway, because I love the thrill, the axhillaration (I can’t spell right now, don’t know why). But I realised today that I can’t ever willingly hurt someone without wishing to be hurt twice as much in penance.

Damn my Christian upbringing. I could be such an awesome killer if only I didn’t have this damned conscience, that makes cowards of us all.
"Conscience is the enemy within the gates, who makes us throw ourselves, a wanton sacrifice, to our enemies."

I have to get over it. People will heal. Bruises don’t last. Someone can take a clock to the face and not hate you forever for it. Right?
(Liam refused to aid me in testing this theory. Poor guy broke Yorrick’s skull.)

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6 thoughts on “Warrior or Coward?

  1. Matthew says:

    Fighting’s tricky like that. Especially for us Christians. We are taught that there are better ways than fighting… but fighting provides a rush that very few experiences can match. Fight Club. Perfect demonstration of the addiction that fighting can pose. There’s nothing really for it but to fight and then see whether you can resist the next time a fight becomes an option.People do heal. But, only some (usually the religious) will be capable of forgiving you for causing them pain, if even for a moment. Consider.

  2. Pat. says:

    No to burst your bubble, but have you really actually fought anyone during high school? (and no,i dont mean one or two grapples). I’d like to take you seriously, but I’m going to need to see some proof first. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch mate.lol.

  3. John says:

    No, I haven’t Pat. That’s the point. I’ve got a big ego, and I need someone to cut me down.Last night I had a dream that I was rescuing a friend of mine, and some thugs came up to stop me. They ended up bashing up my friend while I was engaged with fighting one of them. And I couldn’t save her as they pummeled her. My opponent got a kick in that I was too slow to block, and I woke up, blinking. It felt real, and I was left somewhat… broken.But still. Would you fight me? If I promise not to hit back?

  4. Beth says:

    who was your friend that you had to rescue

  5. Pat. says:

    Isn’t a fight suppose to be a two way thing? You hit me, I hit back?¬†Besides, violence is the lowest form of respect to a person, which why I only ever fight in self defence. Or if provoked when cheesed off.

  6. John says:

    I don’t know. A nameless girl. Blonde, brown (?) eyes, verging anorexic. I think she was 14, and she had a troubled history. I was literally carrying her, when those thugs approached.Patrick: So you’ve actually seriously fought someone eh? Well then if you like I could hit back.

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