I have a problem.
I couldn’t think of any other way to start this entry. I won’t waste time on fancy words and eloquent sentences, because I’m a liiiiiiittle bit concerned with my own psychology.
I am obsessed with the idea of becoming a modern-day samurai. I am obsessed with the concept of Yamikaze- treating a city block like a jungle, and climbing, jumping and leaping all over it. I am most definitely obsessed with the idea of getting into a good fight. I dream about it every night. Last night it was Aaron Jenkins. I kicked him in the face, and I have to tell you, it felt damn good. Until the guilt settled in.
Yesterday, Frenchie (whose real name I only just discovered is Ben- known him for years) was teasing me about how easily he could beat me in a fight. Brendan Morphett and I were grappling as part of a skit for Good Friday, to represent apathy. Of course, I whooped his ass, which defeated the purpose, so when Frenchie rocked up, he replaced me. Then he didn’t believe I could take him, and agreed to fight me right there, right then. I raised my fists, but he seemed to be having second thoughts. Instead of killing him on the spot, I just put one leg in behind him and held one arm in front of his chest. He leaned forwards so I didn’t do any crazy asian martial arts shit, and I pulled his feet out from under him and brought him to the ground. In short, I decked him effortlessly. I offered him a hand up, and an apology (for I can never hurt someone intentionally without feeling remorse), but he pushed it away, thinking it was another attack.
I have to get into a fight. I have to have someone beat the shit out of me, before I beat the shit out of them. I need to lose, because my ego’s too damn high, and I don’t want to be the greatest martial artist I’ve ever known. But at present, only Jack has been able to better me in a fist fight, but if legs were involved, I’m pretty sure I’d have the advantage.
I don’t want to be the cause of pain to others. I don’t want to be the bane of misery.
I need to feel the humility of defeat.
I need to feel the sting of a fist against my jaw, or a foot to my stomach.
I need someone to be able to kill me, even if they don’t.
Otherwise, there’s no reason to fight, because the outcome will always be a win. And if there’s no reason to fight, my life becomes a whole lot more empty, because I’m still obsessed with the idea. I need someone to help me break the obsession.
Anyone willing to try?

12 thoughts on “Obsessions

  1. Solomon says:

    Lol. You sound like Dugu Qiubai. The Yamikaze (?) thing is quite common. I used to have time crisis fantasies where the parks had black suited gunmen hidden behind every tree.
    I supppose everyone needs the heaven beaten out of them sometimes. I think I know where you can find somesuch a worthy opponent. Here’s a clue, he’s under the same roof as you.
    Your dad.

  2. Ivy says:

    Oh, oh, I could take on BOTH of you!
    And win! ^^
    Wanna bet?

  3. Pat. says:

    Hear hear!
    Bring it ON!!
    Cheers out.

  4. Laura says:

    My, don’t we have an overblown sense of self-importance. You talk to much about yourself!!! Get over yourself!!! And get a life. If you really want to fight, which I very much doubt you do. Go out and pick yourself a fight with someone, anyone. All guys want to fight!!! Then when you are left in a pulp crying in a corner, remember that you want to fight!!!!

  5. Georgie says:

    John yes you do have a big ego, but if your were to fight me and we could use legs lol i would definatly have the advantage!

  6. Pat. says:

    Say, I think that the Mona Lisa is onto something there!

  7. Life Sucks says:

    -sigh- Maybe what you need to think of is not fighting?
    Gah, for some reason I can’t explain what I’m thinking about but the thing is do you really want to fight someone?
    You’re always going to hurt them when you fight them and it doesn’t have to be physical, you could be hurting there pride.
    Meh, I can’t explain it at the moment but when I can, I’ll try remember it for next time we talk (if ever)

  8. Beth says:

    AHEM ONLY JACK HAS BEEN ABLE TO DO BETTER THAN YOU????? I do realise that the words following that were in a fist fight but are you forgetting a certain afternoon where i whooped u???????
    And to say that u have "AN" obsession is an understatement

  9. John says:

    Ellie you pompous twit! If I hadn’t been on the downside of a sugar rush, and could have stood up without swaggering, you would have stood NO chance.
    Solomon, I’m not going to fight my own father. Last time we were wrestling for fun, I knocked his two front teeth out. They were going to be removed anyway, so it wasn’t so bad, but I never quite forgave myself. He still tries to have a go at me every now and then. No chance. Besides, I’d have to see him every day, and he’s got a flaring temper.
    Mona Lisa- you do have a point. Except I don’t want to give the wrong impression to whoever it is I fight, and whoever might be watching. Hence, mutual agreement.
    Yeah, thanks Georgie. I know I’d lose if it were legs only. But involve the hands and I’m pretty confident.
    I don’t know what to do. Willow and co. have offered a hand though.

  10. Beth says:

    You wish john i was going easy on you at that point in time.

  11. Ivy says:

    You didn’t reply to me! ):
    So there!

  12. John says:

    Ellie: Name the time, name the place, and you’re on.
    Ivy: You really think you’re that good? Well I can’t entirely argue, but I do know if I were to have a structured pillow fight with you, rather than sit on a bed and whack, you’d have some strife.

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