The facts about Christmas:

The facts about Christmas:

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish

or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15%
of the total or about 378 million (according to the Population Reference
Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that
comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child
in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with thanks to different time
zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which

seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa
has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,
jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of
these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which of
course we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our
calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per second or 3000 times
the speed of sound.

For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space
probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer
can run (at best) about 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds) the
sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not
counting Santa himself. On land an average reindeer can pull no more that
300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying reindeer" could pull ten times
the normal amount, the job cant be done with eight or nine reindeer. Santa
would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the
weight of the sleigh, by another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the
weight of the Q E 2 (the ship not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at
650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance…this would heat up the
reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earths

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per

second each. In short, they would burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be
vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa

reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters however, since Santa as a result of accelerating from
dead stop to 650 mps in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to a force of
17,500 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned

to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of thrust, instantly crushing
his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. So if

Santa did exist, he’s dead now.

Merry Christmas!


5 thoughts on “The facts about Christmas:

  1. Jesslahhh says:

    Haha, aww poor Santa!

  2. Beth says:

    you have waaaaaaaaaaaaay to much time on ur hands

  3. Laura says:

    I’m magical you idiots, normal things don’t happen to me, i have been delivering presents since forever and i’m not a blob of pink goo. What happens to you mere mortals doesn’t necessarily happen to me , ugh *shakes head*.

  4. Unknown says:

    -sniff- santa? -tears brim up in eyes-

  5. Pete says:

    Goddammit i heard that in year 6. It was all well and good then but ever since then, whenever i hear the word "Santa" i’d automatically think of BBQ with reindeer flambe’ being served up for entree’s and Santa (with an apple in his mouth of course) being served and a giant silver platter.

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