I’m not entirely sure if I should even be publishing this, but I wrote this while I was on maths camp. I didn’t feel like running around in the sun playing soccer like everyone else, so I just stayed in the dorm with my notebook, and MAWA and company eventually came.
Mm… I’ve been thinking a lot. My time here is a swing of emotions. My ego rises at my talent and falls at my disgrace. At night, I didn’t want to sleep. I feel trapped and helpless. Alone here, but not quite abandoned. I can’t help but wonder if this is like Ivy’s trip in China. I try being friendly but I only end up making a fool of myself. I’m different. I paced the dorm at night, people (guys only) wondered what I was doing. I felt restless, and I sat against the wall, questioning… things. I might not find my Solomon here either. Fi Wang, Sheena, just people. Am I so astranged? In my depression I can’t help but question her, and yet, my heart thumps when I think "it’s only four more days…" Why? Am I nervous? Anxious? Ignorant perhaps.
Sometimes i want to hurt myself, but I won’t. Katty has done some stupid things, so it will serve one no justice to follow her. Pete is cute when he sleeps. [I was actually supposed to tell Raph that, but aww, he’s peaceful when he’s subconscious. No thoughts of depression or anger, just Pete, and there’s something about that I admire. He’s innocent, in his dreams – as far as I know]
"Is everything all right dude?"
Kneeling before the storm I cried. Someone happened to walk outside. I told them I was praying. I would need more than my own strength to overcome my doubts and fears. Have I bretrayed her?
Walked around at night in my labcoat, sent back. Geoff. Meep. I miss you so much Ivy. <3
I suppose I wanted to elaborate later. It’s now later.
I walked around, the soft rain and chilling wind whipping my labcoat about me, and so I went to get a drink because I was thirsty and couldn’t sleep. And that lady sent me straight back with a scolding. Geoff, aka Mr Jamieson, a former maths teacher, sympathised, but yeah. When my dorm couldn’t settle down and rest, he just called us out of bed dressed how we were and took us for a midnight stroll. It was freezing, and wet, and unfortunately for some gentlemen, they opted to wear only their boxers to sleep. Anyways.
Some of the kids call me meditation man for sitting up in my bed last night. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by a desire to be with Ivy. I don’t know though. Four more days and we’re together. I always wonder where she is and what she’s doing and thinking about. I love her. A few people have noticed my ring. Some people call me Xin, which I like, and I’m kind of getting along all right. Meep, perhaps today wasn’t so bad afterall… Though, the night my be a different story. Ridiculed for doing my sit-ups, psht. Year 9’s, I tell ya…
Ivy is so much more perfect than me.
I pulled out a knife under the table and got punched in the ribs by Pete. I was excluded from card games, but met Shibi. Stress balls and meeping, the weirdo in the labcoat. I suck at cards. Meep, Solomon? Space of raining hearts?
Don’t ask cuz I don’t know. That’s just what I wrote, and that’s it folks.
EDIT: Suppose I should elaborate a bit more hey. MAWA’s the little fat kid that got the impression of the little fat kid. In other words, he set himself up to be pelted with the little bag of stressballs the camp provided to encourage teaching (makes you think, doesn’t it?)
I carried a pocketknife with me at all times, for fear of Pete attacking me during the day, and my slingshot was hanging off my bed next to me at night. I warned the boys any movement during the night was a shot to kill, though I can’t use the slingshot very well and I may as well have shot the wall instead. They weren’t to know that though. Hm…
Shibi’s a really cool girl that looks like Bara-chan. I misread Fiona’s (Fi’s) badge as Wong so took an instant liking to her. She carried a stuffed bunny named Quaver Allegretto with her everywhere, and her best friend Sheena reminded me a lot of two certain Singaporeans. I met a few girls who knew Emily from St Hilda’s (who came second) and a few who knew Lee from St Brigids. Christchurch had two teams, and so came both 1st and 3rd, which sucked majortime. Cheaters. In the balloon pop game, their balloons were too small to be popped, and basically tied to their knees. Pssht.
Hm, what else? Eh, nothing worth mentioning. Tee hee hee, I love Ivy. Meeee. <3